and these
hesitant hands shall cup the sun
that seeks to drain the sea.
Author notes
Coronado, California.
4 August 2006.
14 words. I'm going to write a full-length version of this sometime.
A contest entry
- 14 words by lee-sharp.
14000 points, ended November 24, 2007, 66 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique this, please.
Comments
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now that you aren't limited to a random word count you might consider fine tuning this piece
although like rowan i understand the appeal and i am pleased that you were able to gain all the points you did.. points are fun and it looks like you are already making good use of them
if this were mine..
i would completely eliminate the and at the start of the poem..
a well known poet once told me
and at the beginning is someone trying to look poetic- poets recognize the difference..
so.. if this were mine
hesitant hands cup the sun
which drains the sea
again though- you should be proud of this piece..
i always say no poem is ever complete.. don't be afraid to workshop and workshop and workshop.. its the only way to grow
m
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The "and" was really only there for the word count. I wish I could get into writing again, but it seems writer's block won't ever depart.
Definitely going to be working on this, though! Thanks for the comment! -
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yeah.. and now i just read further down and see that you want to elaborate.. with this image that would be a wonderful idea..
when i get writers block i will go and read some real poetry.. like google jane hirshfield or margaret atwood or stephen dunn.. or kim addonizio..
and read a couple of their poems....
another thing i try is to think of a scenario in your life.. not the boy/girl thing everyone does.. think of a moment..
study it.. the cat on the computer table or the way your mother turned and for a minute you saw your future.. or ..
personify something near you.. make a poem from a piece of fruit.. or a coffee mug..
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Holy SHIT. Congrats on the gold trophy, and the 14,000 (dies) points
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I love it. Absolutely beautiful! I also love short poems and I write them. I always say that many things can be said in a short poem!
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Ungrammatical.
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Care to elabourate on how? I want to fix it.
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-Decide on "shall" or "will" (the former indicates emphasis)
-Surely "which" not "that" ???
-No harm in having no capitals, but in that case, no fullstop either; if a fullstop, then begin with capital A.
In any case, congrats on your points windfall. We'll expect 20 contests out of that lot! -
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I think I prefer "shall," as having emphasis (and more archaicness) fits my style, and looking back on this, helps weave together the scattered alliteration in this.
The "which"? I hate "which." I'll consider it, though, along with your last point. In any case, I despise capitalistation in my own poetry.
Thanks so much for the critique!
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you've done an absolutely wonderful job here. seriously. very very good use of your fourteen words.
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Congratulations, I can understand the appeal to this.
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Very interesting phrase you have submitted for this contest, congrats on the award although as you say there were many other great contenders. This could very easily be adapted to become a more in depth piece.
If it's not much of an imposition could you read my piece "Into the void", at least then I might have some idea of why the host did not bother to comment. -
congrats
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not shitty...
beautiful and brilliant in it's brevity - I think you said it perfectly this time around... wonder what the full length version would be...
congratulations!
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I guess the author of the contest likes it, no matter what you think in your author comments. Congratulations!
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i dont like it it makes no sense to me
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This isn't shitty at all. I love the image you penned in so few words, and how vivid it is.
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You hush; it is not shitty!
I thought this was so beautiful. I usually don't like short writes, but this one was exceptionally awesome.
I don't have any critiques, except I would recommend maybe putting a comma after hope? I don't know, that's just out of personal preference.
This was beautiful, I'm sure you'll place
Jeanette*~
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just beautiful.
i, as well would love to read the full version. -
I love brevity.
Compared to a lot of poetry on this site, not shitty. It certainly could use expansion in order to have a more defined point, but the brevity of this version is enough to capture some understanding in your audience while maintaining an air of distance. If not that, then the idea and image is incredible.
You know, I think I know why I like this so much. It is a seamless combination of concrete observation and abstract interpretation.
If I could suggest anything, (as a warning, my suggestions are based upon personal preference and usually hold no poetic and literary value) it would be the placement of "our" into the second line. It sounds awkward because I tend to want to break after a preposition. Then again, the next word is "hesitant." Now my thoughts are at a standstill. Arg.
You'll have to add me to that list of people to inform about that full-length version.
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I know what you mean about the "our" dilemma; I feel the same thing, too, but in the new version I'm working on, it most likely won't be there.
I'll let you know, surely. And thanks for the criticism & applause!
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you have to let me know when you expand. but for now this was still fantastic.
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