On floors of glass my respite awaiting,
I contemplate my crimes and passions.
Whilst staving off emotions bleeding,
a speck of life thought dead now breathes.
Nothing commences the cessation of screams,
as pain engulfs the flesh of moments.
Fighting fear I swim alone
in seas of crimson flavoured tears.
©2007
Author notes
Written for the contest: Contest word bank and pic. inspired by serenity silvermoon
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2372250
A contest entry
- word bank and pic. inspired by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended December 7, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A critical comment is invited
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Fighting fear I swim alone
in seas of crimson flavoured tears.
Nice
Good luck in the contest!
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment; both are greatly appreciated.
rous
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Weak attempt.
Elrenia,
The challenge was interesting. What prompted you to undertake it?
I don't know if you intended symbolism, but from the first line you lead the reder on a crooked path. "...respite waiting.." is redundant. You are bascically saying that your delay is waiting. If I understand that corredtly, I'd say you were doing something. You don't say what and it is not clear if the voice in the poem is the young lady reclining or someone else.
"...a speck of life thought dead now breathes." The only way I can understand this is that the speaker is talking about the relining girl. This further confuses the first line.
The next two lines speak of screaming. Who is screaming?
The voice swims. What does she fear?
Winds Angel couldn't get meaning from this because there obviously is none.
It would have been best for you to have passed on this contest and challenge. I plan on reading at least one more of your poems. I would hate to judge your work by this one piece.
Jim
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Thank you for reading.
I did change "waiting".
All I can say is I went with the word bank and picture. Truthfully, I just wanted to see if my badly written crap could compete with everyone else's, as it seems no one wants good stuff. This was about as bad as I have written in a while; and it looks to be ignored as much as the good stuff. I am just tired of entering contests, writing something meaningful and watching drivel accepted where substance is not.
And, I would hate for you to judge my work on this one piece; but be warned, everyone has rocks hiding the gems and not everyone can churn out the good stuff all the time.
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Well, I can definitely say this was an interesting piece . I am not foolish enough to assume or even try to get the meaning behind it, I was never really very good at that. But I do like to let authors know when I enjoy reading their work and this is one of those times. I got a lot of imagery off of this and it had it's own unique flow. I haven't looked at the word bank, but I think these words were wonderfully put together and I see all this happening in the dark corner of someone's soul.
Awesome write,
~WindsAngel~
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Honestly, I just went with the bank and the picture. I amaze myself at times with how convoluted my mind can be; sometimes it confuses me.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it very much.
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