like a scene in a novel
when he looks in her eyes
and they kiss and make love
not me
i just fuck
i am a desperate whore
bound by the temptations
of my owned damned desires
the night it felt so warm
and then you quietly slipped away
still warm i awoke hours later
fuck you
who cared anyway
i am a desperate whore
traitor to my sex
burdened by this awful legacy
sometimes i feel so alone
people choose not to see me
i'm nothing but an unsaitable wench
to them
not to me
i am a desperate whore
love is cold here
so fuck them who fuck me
Author notes
this was originally a contest poem, but i felt i had to elaborate.
In a list
it' nice if you liked it, don't care if you hate, but what i really need objective criticism
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The style, free, angry, tense, yet straightforward and honest is the best possible for this poem. It is a well-known story, that we've read, heard, and some have lived, and alas, many do. But I also feel a strong metaphor behind your bluntness, and that is what conveys strength and a heart-clenching ache. It portrays female self-hatred, womens' insecurity, womens' self disappointment and disaproval, disguises and displayed as nimphomania in a misoginistic world. Great work!
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you're one of the few to read beyond face-vaule. thanks!
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I've living that life right now. I understand How you feel and what your going through.
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Wow, you are an angry individual. I mean broken hearted individual simply reacting to a set of circumstances that by some twist of fate you have been placed in. What was I thinking calling you angry? How dare I not be p.c. about this? Anywho, it was an interesting poem that seemed to dive into the depths of the shallow end. It's like a baby drowning in a kiddie pool, there's not much there but enough to get the job done.
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I find this piece to be a little cold. I understand what you are trying to say. Difficult subject matter however we all have felt inadequate in one way or another. What I would like to see you do with this piece is if you are going to elaborate on it...bring it. Let yourself go and just let it just rip...let me know if you decide to rewrite it. I would like to see what you could do.
Good luck
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Why does the voice feel this way? You mention elaboration, but I think that you could have gone further. At times, it reads as though the subject is in a relationship, but at others as though there are many lovers. Either way its OK, but it just needs to be drawn out in the poem (I think).
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Illustates female insecurity ...
... about feeling unattractive on the 'inside' and angry about 'acting out' sexually. I don't think there is any other message to feel in this poem, or that it could be said better. Warm regards, Sultan
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Your poem is ok
There is nothing wrong with this poem, I feel like I am being told a story by someone who is unhappy about liking sex? are you catholic or something. my god its natural to take love sex, especially multiple times a day with multiple animals... uh I mean people. Have a great day. Great poem
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