a reign of quarters, silver
spots on a polished marble
landing.
Like stars reflecting
on the calm, smooth surface
of a lake,
in a port city,
lying at the hem of a garment
of a Roman
God etched into stone at
the foot of a mountain
cement cracks under
unsteady footsteps
into the lounge, out
of the lounge, to lounge
better in the bedroom, in
the bedpan, in the pan
under the bed holding cement
dust, marbles, and one photograph
or another.
Author notes
This is intended to be the last stanza of a poem I am working on that is still in rough shape. Any and all criticism is much appreciated.
A contest entry
- WINNER TAKE ALL!!!! ONE THOUSAND POINTS (well sort of) by DrunkenRam.
1019 points, ended November 16, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round One of Five by Kei-Aira.
450 points, ended February 5, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Very Easy !!! by Loveandblessings2u.
1000 points, ended April 28, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Song inspiration. ***READY NOW*** Prewrites now included! I need entries! by Beautiful-N-Broken.
600 points, ended October 2, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free Verse Frenzy (Prewites Only) by poetryality.
925 points, ended November 3, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I love the word-play in the last stanza. I can feel the poem, almost like skating on ice. Very clever, and quite the original work of poetry here poet. You have style that's for sure. Your flare is fascinating. Thank you for submitting this unique writ in my contest. Please forgive the delay in commenting.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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Please let me know which option you chose
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to be honest I was just a bit lost
with this piece. But it's doesn't take much to confuse me LoL.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
good luck in my contest. -
What you have here so far is quite fascinating and I truly hope your muse will inspire you to complete it.
♥ Touchof1der -
Its good already... I can see the potential in this write... keep working on it. One line that really caught my attention was
cement cracks under
unsteady footsteps
Great word usage. Great write!!!
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A bit disjointed but I imagine you will flesh it out when you work on it more, what is here is good as far as flow goes, there is just no connection to anything relevant...Scott
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this is very good, but i cant rly make out the connection to the subject of the contest, maybe im kindda stupid, so feel free to explain the relaition to me in a message or something! thanks! n good luck love!
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Hmm... I accidently entered this poem by mistake, though I thought that I had removed it and enered the one I intended for the contest. If the other one doesn't show up soon I'll try to enter it tomorrow I suppose.
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Guilty ( Everybody"s Guilty)
Thanks for entering my contest< I will be commenting when it is over. Good Luck! -
Good
It stands well alone so should be great w/the rest
Can't wait to read the whole thing.
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