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Broken Promises

Missing image

Broken Promises

Once upon a time, there was a sly fox
Every one sublime, smiled at what she said
Yesterday she, opened her little box
Yes it was he, the rabbit she would wed
She let the rabbit go, opening the locks
Every little habit, he had for her is dead

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Harrisham Rhyme with an internal rhyme.


The Harrisham Rhyme was created by Harrisham Minhas. It is a sestet with an ababab rhyme scheme. The last letter of the first word in each line is the first letter of the first word in the next line.
I added the internal rhyme.

Women can be cruel.  

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • michaeline
    November 24, 2007

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    I do not think that I would have the ability to do this type of rhyming.Sounds pretty hard.You have done a really good job though I think that it souns good.You take alot of time and effort to do your writing and alot of thought goes into it it shows.Liked this one alot.I would'nt even try to make an attempt at giving you any suggestions I don't think that it needs any work done to it at all.


  • penman gold member
    November 16, 2007
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    Excellent

    Oh my you have such incredible talent for any use of rhyme and forms. This was terrific.


  • Sacrificial Love
    November 10, 2007

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    Ok...

    there's nothing cute about this...or the story behind it... you have VERY powerfully gotten your point across sis... in a MUCH nicer way than I am feeling...


  • Swan song gold member
    November 10, 2007
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    This is a cute little ditty I liked it very much as always you are excellent with form peoms.


  • blueyez
    November 9, 2007

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    I liked your story in this write. I often wonder when I see writes with pictures... did you write it then find the pic or see the pic and then pen the write?
    Peace and Love always lovely


    • Amera gold member
      November 9, 2007
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      Aww thatks! I write first then look for a picture to match unless it's a contest picture.


  • jo-el
    November 9, 2007

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    the rhyme struck me immediately. very nicely done. i do love a artful rhyme skeem. i almost wanna marry this one lol. has the flavor of a fable. and i like that. lol yes women can be cruel. excellent write


  • Ithica silver member
    November 9, 2007

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    Another new form to ponder. Its tricky little composition suits the message well. One of those things we all seem to experience, the question is how it affects us. Wil we replicate the behaviour or do our damnedest NOT to...??? Woman can be the worst!


  • RedAquarius
    November 9, 2007

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    Pretty much everyone can be cruel, sadly. Bitterness and cold ire hits me upon reading this - although I'm not super keen on this form, it seems to flow a bit rough for my own likes. Purely opinion of course - you know I think you are beyond talented.

  • Alpha-Q
    November 9, 2007

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    Well, I'll be. Quite the little story you have there, love. Great use of the form with a powerful image. Interesting. What a day for the rabbit!


  • Harrisham Minhas
    November 9, 2007
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    This is well expressed.
    Nicely done.


  • Whispering Wind Moderators member
    November 9, 2007

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    Fox in the rabbits den...death is what lies within...Beautiful form but heart breaking words...I'm so sorry for your friend*hug*...Beautiful as always Little Blue Star*rose*

     

    *hug* LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL*hug*


  • Hetha gold member
    November 9, 2007

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    I would definitely say this does get the point across quite well. You've done excellently with the new form by Harrisham, and your assonance and internal rhyme here is good too. My heart goes out to the rabbit. You've really painted cruelty for what it is.


  • Never Fall in Love
    November 9, 2007

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    Hmm .. This should get your point across yes. It's really not surprising that someone who claims love will want nothing to do with the other once other matters come up. I guess most of us have a taste of that already. If you go through memories and pick out your best ones - it still doesn't erase the big blow-off...

    With your poem itself - you know whatever you try is the best. You keep pulling these forms off like a magician pulls a rabit out of his hat. I like your last line because it pulls it all together and gives a good punch in the face.

    You've done an excellent job, sis!
    Never ♥


  • Marctheman
    November 9, 2007

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    HM, well i'm aware of women could be cruel, because of all the mind game, which i think is really dangerous, now the poem is excellent, i was read the Harrisham Rhyme yesterday i applaud her for creating something like, and i should try one soon, good write Amera and good luck in the contest.


  • Moodayo-Okohke silver member
    November 9, 2007

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    To break the Spirit is to crush the soul...Nothing for a rabbit with a fox close by...Meaning taken! Well done Little Blue Star...

    ~YOUR WARRIOR~
    & UNCLE

    BLACK CROW


  • ellipsist
    November 9, 2007
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    indeed!

    women can be cruel....


  • JohnnyD gold member
    November 9, 2007

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    hmmnnnnn, yes, I am most familiar with the fact women can be quite cruel at times, men can be killers, but one who destroys the soul of another is crueler still.

    nice write.



    Dad

1 - 18 of 18