Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Rain

Missing image

 

Rain gently on the window,
panes of clear glass
water droplets form and run,
she watches;

painless tears from unfeeling clouds
drifted through sooted air,
blown past unknowing eyes
unaware minds beneath rainhats and umbrellas;
wondering if the care of wet shoes
might be hers.  

Longing was as it began,
needs
uneven footing for a path,
compromised from the start
to following
wishing for a direction;

giving was not enough
being was too little, happiness
was an uncorked bottle
and air and time, thirsty lips
strange hands; all draining life away;

and rain can be a time when thoughts
fall like droplets gathered on a pane
and breath makes a place to see
there is nothing else to say…

as she watches.

 

Author notes

Prompt: Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.

Art Credit: "But she knows" by Lucem

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • Nicole Hanna
    November 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not sure I would classify this as fruit bowl poetry. Quite the opposite actually. There's too much going on in the piece to be a fruit bowl poem. There's almost too much meat to it, though I never thought I'd hear myself saying that.

    Then again, it's quite hard to explain fruit bowl poetry to begin with, so I figured I'd get my hits and misses with this contest. I enjoyed the piece though.

  • Ruby34
    November 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love this part so much..
    painless tears from unfeeling clouds
    drifted through sooted air,
    blown past unknowing eyes
    unaware minds beneath rainhats and umbrellas;
    wondering if the care of wet shoes
    might be hers.
    Again s much passion..in your words my friend..very deep in thought..great take on the prompt in your author comment box..Just wonderful!
    Amarige


  • Nicolette gold member
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the rain and this poem again made me realize why... beautiful and with such a soft touch.

    ~ Nicolette

  • Eusebius
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Chock full of splendid poetic phrasings... bravo.. bravo... next to the moon and "love" not much is more poetic that the rain.... nicely done

  • Laura Lamarca
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    L6 "through"

    Seems the peanut gallery missed the typo!

    This is a good penning, the emotions could be a little deeper, but overall it's good indeed. Thanks for sharing. I hope you're well.

    Laura x

  • tdmm
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    This says in plain language what the prompt asks. The approach is direct, which is always appreciated. The only thing I would change is the transubstantiation. It takes place so quickly, and it is kind of in your face.

  • LadyLavender gold member
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Pkid, profound in all it contains; this poem of strong poetic beauty and sadness. Honestly, I can't quote you, this piece has so many amazing phrases.

    But my breath upon the pane makes place to see that
    you have talent beyond belief!

    WOW!!!


  • Rowan gold member
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "and breath makes a place to see
    there is nothing else to say"

    excellent. That line resonated with me.
    So fine, as usual. Someone asked me the last time I cried, and I said, inside or out?
    There is a big difference.
    well done with the prompt.

  • Love.Dream.Believe.
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like where you went with this, I also like that you took two of the options and used them together so well...
    I like this poem a lot, it caught my attention a lot and I really enjoyed reading it...
    Thankyou for entering round 2 and good luck! =)

  • Cocaine-Eyes
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    When it's raining I usually walk out into the down pour and I see the rain as a natural cleansing method. Not as in my physical body but more of emotional and spiritual clearing. Thats proably why I decided to open up this poem and read it. The imiagry of this poem makes me feel fimilar. I was able to relate myself to the tormented feeling in the poem. You have an awesome talent and I really enjoy your way with the words and the imigary I have gotten from the past two poems of yours I have read.

    . Rewarded 8


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Stunning! Flows beautifully... written with such finesse, and is as gentle as a caress!

    Very well done!


  • MotherMachineGunn
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thought Provoking...

    Absolutely beautifully tormented. A wonderful addition to the contests. The art you chose was very effective to the piece itself.

    Your best stanza in my opinion:
    "giving was not enough
    being was too little, happiness
    was an uncorked bottle
    and air and time, thirsty lips
    strange hands; all draining life away;"

    Best line:
    "unaware minds beneath rain hats and umbrellas"

    This provoked so much thought and I could see her tears in my minds eye.
    Job well done and best of luck in the future.

    ~MotherMachineGunn

  • Pixielated
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really loved this piece. It was well written and the tone fit perfectly with the picture. A cold rainy day that opens up everything you're feeling inside. It's beautiful.

    . Rewarded 4


  • lexy23
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is beautiful, and such a "lost in thought" picture.... just classic beauty in a poem.

    lexy xx

1 - 14 of 14