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a weight of words that are not ours

 
 
 
 
 
blue-black tongues
read endlessly
into her speaking ear,
 
snatch away her quiet-

 

fingered fragments
leaking
into blue  

 

push mind to seek
some pause,

 

to settle
for the colour
of a silent
word.
 
it whispers
name
and she remembers
hers.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Cat
    November 14, 2007

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    i love the opening stanza here- blue black tongue is wonderful..

    I had some trouble with this:

    fingered fragments
    leaking
    into blue

    push mind to seek
    some pause,

    - i wonder if it could be just a tad thicker in transition- to guide the reader in a less stilted sounding read- ?

    and then the final two stanzas are amazing- overall a lovely piece
    with a melancholy feel of settling- nicely done


    m




  • Lj-
    November 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Really great poem.

    Best of luck.


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    November 12, 2007
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    this is beautiful Kate...


    thanks

    al


  • alexandrathegreat
    November 12, 2007
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    This is beautiful and complete I feel the purple though you didn't use the word at all.


  • cvillelisa
    November 9, 2007

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    Did you try this without any punctuation? something about the full stops keep me from really immersing in the "musiness" I feel here.

    Additionally, I was quite content stopping at:

    to settle
    for the colour
    of a silent word.

    Wondering if you tried the last stanza as a first stanza?

    (only going on like this cause you said "critical honesty appreciated. )


    Fingered fragments leaking into blue is probably my favorite image.

    Good luck to you, Kate!

    Lisa

    ( three claps for encouraging honest critiques! )


  • LadyLavender gold member
    November 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    kate...truly brilliant!


  • Nicolette gold member
    November 8, 2007

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    This is lovely poetry... loved the pauses here and the quiet inbetween the words... made me think!

    ~ Nicolette


  • DancingRed
    November 8, 2007
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    I'm loving this.


  • michael thomas gold member
    November 8, 2007

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    Kate - I try to remember who I am
    But everyone wants me to be like them
    (bob dylan)
    Never the less - your poem is ultimately about finding ones self? I adore your twist of words like licorice.


  • Birchwood
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, but I'm slightly disturbed by "push mind to seek" and "it whispers name". They seem unnatural to me because they aren't normal English phrases. However, I think I understand what you were trying to do by leaving out the usual articles/descriptives ("the mind," "my mind," "one's mind," "her mind," "a mind," "minds") -- it focuses the reader on the important words and, more importantly, it almost gives a proper-noun meaning to the words used ('mind', and 'name'). Perhaps that would be emphasized if they were capitalized, or something. They aren't in this poem just nouns. They are proper nouns -- names of important entities that you need to treat with caution and respect.


    • EvilKate
      November 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. You managed to touch on most of my concerns with this. The trick was, everything is focused around that protagonist, so in the mind/name section I had to drop pronouns - otherwise the whole work would have read like 'her ... her ... her ... her ... her ..." with maybe the occasional 'she' in there, and the flow would have bitten terribly. My leaving the pronouns out, where I did, it also creates a bit of ambiguity - is it still speaking of 'her' or perhaps an external player? By abstracting mind and name, the focus falls to their nature, not who possesses them. I do understand the 'important entities' reference you make, just don't entirely agree that those entities are diminished. Even with work that is inspired by a person or an event, I always try to extend it a little - to make it more of a universal within personal experience, which isn't easy but I do think worth the attempt. You have made me think though - perhaps to seek other word arrangements toward that same end - so for that I thank you greatly.


  • Night Hope gold member
    November 7, 2007

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    "snatch away her quiet-

    fingered fragments
    leaking
    into blue"

    Gorgeous penning, Sweetie. I know this color well. Good luck in Mary's contest, my Friend. Wanda


  • misselaineous
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply


  • ellipsist
    November 7, 2007

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    that single line, by itself, seems a little out of place, like the interruption it conveys... I am especially fond of lines 5-7, that second full stanza... and I especially like the phrase, "the colour of a silent word" - kind of stands alone in my mind - reminds me of a title... very enigmatic...


  • transcendental baby gold member
    November 7, 2007

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    Yes! That is the color of the silent word ... not loud purples or blues, but a lavender whisper! And I loved the sense of too much chaotic otherness in all their colors ... and the quietness of escape!


  • layla.
    November 7, 2007

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    i see this color too, i have been insomniac for a long time. i got hepatitis A a year ago, 'cause of lack of water[i am an emotional bitch] and sleep-irregularity of all kinds you know. but when i did get sleep. i used to wake up with a heavy head and i wouldn't understand what people said- i guess i still don't. yeah, i'm lost/blank most of the times. this noise is suffocating- parallel of frustration!

    VERY WELL WRITTEN!
    love you sis.


  • astralshepherd gold member
    November 7, 2007

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    I am really very glad I stopped here to read this poem, it is marvelous. I am fighting as I try to type this note, the words are so hard to make thru tears. For me this speaks to the earliest memories of life, trying to cope with identity, knowing the inner truth and having to hide amid the continual barrage of harangues – my favorite spot in the house became the space under my bed, the closets were full. Life awakened for me only a decade ago when I began to accept what and who I was, therapy has made a world of difference. The breakthrough came when a repressed memory surfaced where I was beaten severely for arguing with my father, ‘ no daddy, that is NOT my name, my name is____’ and the lights literally went out for forty years. Thank you for this. Thank you for finding words my heart needs to hear. Thank you.
    blessings and best wishes,
    ~r.


  • rebeka
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    the colour of a silent word... perfect

    this could be about so many things kate, for me, it is a place i know well, your poetry is mystical, transforming words into emotions sometimes very painful. the final stanza, brought tears to my eyes today.

  • Suzanne Dia
    November 7, 2007

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    sometimes the noise is relentless
    i am cacophony, lol

    and screaming wouldn't release the pressure
    just help to build it until i blow in a silent
    blaze that would burn the ones i care about the most.

1 - 19 of 19