I felt that I had no identity,
No feelings that could be hurt.
Not a single moment of serenity,
With words from you spoken so curt.
You found each blow so very amusing,
Every bruise swelled your manly pride.
Your insipid ways was so confusing,
Why did you make me your bride?
Your caustic words changed me soon,
Deep in my belly the pain flared.
I looked at our children one afternoon,
To be free from this I declared.
I found a pillar that I could lean on,
God took my hand and guided me.
All the pain from you has now flown,
I've been endowed with His love you see.
----Lois Douglas
Author notes
Please critique this brutally honest. I wrote it in about five minutes so I know it's not very good.
Written October 17th, 2003
A contest entry
- October New Members- "Chin Up" Poetry Contest - Hosted by The AllPoetry Greeter Staff by CookieZeal.
300 points, ended November 3, 2003, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Thanks to you and everyone else who commented on my poem. I'm sorry to be so long with a reply. I have been sick and not up to par. I mostly answer my e-mail and take care of buisness and get offline. I was amazed at all the wonderful things said about my writing. I'll be glad when I feel more like coming back and staying longer, posting again, and reading all the beautiful work of all of you. Mamaw10
-
I found this powerful and well written. I don't see how writing in a short space is a bad thing. It just means the feelings are close to the surface and more easily channelled.
Wonderfully written. -
A beautiful, outstanding piece of art you have here.
Thank you for entering the contest.
~Von~
-
I totally agree. Excellent work! I like that I couldn't remember which exactly were the "requirement" words. You did a great job of weaving them in. I felt the pain in this poem clearly, and felt the blossoming strength at the end... I definitely felt uplifted reading it.
-
Well! A shiney little marvel for a five minute job, if even at all. Some ARE better written cold, aren't they?? I don't have that good fortune most of the time.
Form - Balanced, and well rounded
Criteria- Met very well, including the use of the words.
Please review critically
Your insipid ways was so confusing<-- oopsie on the verb tense.
if a plural noun is used, it would be (were) instead.
My only other observation is that the last line lands before I realized it. The resolve is sudden. Hmmm..I've done the same thing
This would be one of my favorites, so keep posting to contests! You're a good writer. Nice images...sharp, and clear. Thank you for your entry! CookieZeal -
Thank you. I try to just let the words come on their own without thinking about it much. Sometimes it doesn't work real well.
Mamaw10 -
OK to be honest..This
is a fantastic write showing a lot of anguish and low confidnece, but it also shows us your inner strength is getting stronger.
Good luck
Lakota x -
HEY!!! A Five minute wonder because thispoem is excellent...
it has allthe emotion as well as hope within the lines...five minutes of bleeding through your fingertips to post this poem is how I see it...and blood is never cheap...nor is it easily overlooked. It's you here...and that makes those five minutes precious...a nd this poem priceless... Welcome to AP Iamsurethaty ou will be a great addition to the multitudes that grace this site...Good luck, though thispoem shows that you shouldn't need alot of luck...you'v e got beauty shining through in this one poem that is just mesmerizing. ..~genielass ie~ -
well to be brutally honest this poem kicks ass. it is wonderfully written and flows nicely.
good luck in the contest;
peace be with & blessed be;
shaggy wolf -
Well Done
I love this poem. This poem has depth, and emotion. You may have written it in such a short time, but you wrote from your heart, and not from your mind. You can see that, no you can feel that. I am looking forward to more.
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
