sunlight
warmly greeted me
through frail curtains,
whispering the lovely promise
of a new day.
promises are rarely kept,
most cruelly shattered
like the beautiful
delicate china they are.
this promise was repeated
many, many times,
counting itself
among the majority
of broken vows.
everyday I wake
hoping to see
the plain ceiling,
but instead,
I awake to
your portrait,
painted in colors
that only I can see.
Author notes
I wrote the poem, then got the title from the Titles Challenge Group.
Option 1.
A contest entry
- Early in the Morning by Utok Bulinaw.
450 points, ended November 16, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bittersweet by aligurl.
300 points, ended December 3, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 2007 - everything under 25 lines by leander.
1000 points, ended January 17, 2008, 167 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for a critique? by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended February 24, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetic Idol (Auditions) by TwilightBloodRuns.
315 points, ended June 8, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Nice. the personification of sunlight really catches the reader well
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I can see you have a grasp on poetry, you just don’t quite have a direction yet.
First thing, you use too many adjectives. Words like warmly, frail, lovely, cruelly, beautiful, and delicate, tell the reader something, but they don’t show them anything. It is a poet’s job to show. For example, instead of telling me the curtains are “frail,” you could show me, for example:
through the tattered threads
that cover my window,
sunlight whispers its promise
of a new day
The next problem with the poem is that it starts out talking about broken promises and shattered vows, but then it vaguely talks about this portrait with colors only you can see. So what is the poem about? Broken promises, or invisible portraits? What does the portrait represent? That is not clear in the poem. .
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I really like the metaphors you have used in this poem. Doing that, you have managed to stay away from the overused and cliched parts when one writes about a lost love
And you have no idea how much I appreciate that 
Anyway, Maybe this poem needs capitalization... I know this is a matter of personal opinion (and off course, poetic freedom) but to me for example, this would look more 'finished' with capitals when you start a new sentence...
Also love the reference to this kind of blind love in your last lines. "The colors only I can see" captures that whole theme and goes out of the box as well
Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
Transcend All
I couldn't stop the memories from flooding my mind, the moment I read the first line. Your piece took me back to other place, an ex, a past, when i felt weak to the promise I made to stay away. Love is a fickle thing!
Right about here the flow changes:
many, many times,
and it counts itself
among the majority
of broken vows.
I do like your piece very much!
You'll have to enter my next contest!
Namaste'
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See, this is what I like about AP...the people who point out areas that sound off and give constructive criticism...
I changed the second line of what you pointed out...I made it shorter: "many, many times, / counting itself / among the majority / of broken vows."
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this is very nice
i really like all the metaphors
very nice! -
This is a fantastic piece, but the flow in some of the lines tripped me up. It seemed that the form of your sentences went from unstructured to structured and back. Take a look at lines 6 and 7 and see how much more "proper" they are than the rest of the lines around them. All in all a fun read, and a real delight.
Thanks so much for sharing. Love and Peace, Simply In Love. -
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Took out the "are" in line 7...does it sound better?
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I like the idea that every morning brings with it a new day, it gives a positive note to the sadness, like a lesson learned. Loved the metaphor of broken china it captures the anger of feeling let down as well as the betrayal. well done!
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Promises can indeed be very hard to keep, especially where love is concerned. This piece here just speaks volumes about that. Well done.
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you have excellent imagery and i love the metaphors in your words. promises as delicate as china... sunlight that whispers... truly beautiful.
as much as i love the poem, i honestly don't think the title does it justice. that's the only thing i would change.
great job, good luck in your contests.
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I'm not the best with titles. Any suggestions?
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This is a really challenging piece to get a title for, actually...
The only thing that comes to mind is 'fighting you off', but if you don't like that one, I can try to think on it.
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I loved it. Promises are hard to keep but sometimes they are made, just so we can break them. Good luck in my contest.
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I think most anyone can relate to experiencing someone breaking promises. The end was definitely unexpected but effective.
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How you preferred the plain ceiling from a colorful portrait is something unexpected and something uncommon but such plainness could signify peace or in this case, freedom from broken promises. I like how you've written this with a tone of sadness without the astringency of being failed many many times. Thank you for entering.
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I related!
Wow, this describes almost exactly how I feel almost every morning of my life; waking up to yet another day of broken promises and dreams - but still there is that inkling of hope that maybe just once, this one day will be different? The same old pain and sad memory etched, (painted), in the ceiling. Wow! What a image you end and leave me with, and it really struck home with me.
This is what I projected into my interpretation of reading your poem, but I see upon re-reading it, that it is a love story; one of a person trying to keep a promise to possibly end a relationship, but every day that promise is broken as that person awaken to the face of the loved one on the ceiling "painted in colors that only I can see".
Thumbs up on this one!
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