Prescient mourning tracks your
cells, in search of what won't bore.
Six-hinged foresight adds
doubt and sprouts dread. Eventually,
a single preeminent thread
plucked
from infinite completes eternal
inaction to internal infractions.
Sweat calls for concession
and you pray for a cancer
to carry your questions
away from the answers.
And the patterns.
Bred to barter:
you fashion advances,
but fiction can't guard
against six different stances.
Sighting the twists
ahead
of the signs
just furthers desire to bed
your designs.
Lady Sight reads your tracks
forever.
Her unifying tunnel
smothers surprise in a honey dried pact.
Choices rust into
refurbished telecasts
of a fused future
recorded in amber.
If you feel followed,
fashion yourself new footprints,
because you still can.
A contest entry
- You were born an original. Don't die a copy. (Now allowing prewrites) by Metaphorist.
600 points, ended November 19, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
I would like to say that this is the very first thing I have read by you.
In a previous conversation I said I have,
I was mistaken.
Well,
from the very start of this piece
my mind started working.
Very much a thinking mans piece of verse.
There are infinite possibilities of out come
...yes...
to leave it be,
or try to alter them is the question.
If altered is it really the intended future?
You would think at first by letting things take it's course with no intervention,
would be the way things were actually meant to be.
But we really will never know how things were actually meant to be
because it is not human nature to stand by to not avert disaster or even try to heighten a good outlook to an even better outcome.
This was unbelievably deep.
You have hit on a subject with such depth that it could fill a book.
Articulate,
intelligent,
gripping,
made me think.
This is what a poet does...tips his hat with his work, to open doors in our own minds, so we can step through and know ourselves better.
Just a stunning piece of Art.
MANY MANY BLESSINGS MY BROTHER,
LOWELL POE
-
good good, I guess I could see how this works with philosophy. Excellent play on words and imagery. This really takes a few reads to take away from it everything you've managed to sow into your poem. Very nice, i love it when poetry does that.
-
Positives: When I first saw the title and opening, I was thinking “What kind of prison has six walls?” That’s where I thought this was going. But, a bee hive? Wow, truly original! I get a feeling that this is anti-government and anti-labor which makes sense given the metaphor: how a bee’s purpose in life is to make honey and answer to the queen. Please correct me if I am wrong. Great wording in keeping with the recurring tone of hopelessness in this piece.
Negatives: I only have a few qualms with this poem. I don’t like the title too much, mostly the way it’s worded. I think “Hexagonal Life Cell” or even “Six-sided Life Cell” would work better. There are also a few lines that I don’t care for, specifically “like a honey suit” and “Singular vision / selected from infinite- / endless futures single trap” just because there is “singular” than “single”. Maybe just “like honey” and a different word instead of “single” or just remove it altogether. Additionally, the word “future” was used three times. Consider either changing the phrasing in the second instance “know the future” or removing it. These are just suggestions; I do not expect you to indulge them, but doing so will improve your chances of winning my contest.
Thank you for the entry. Good luck!
-
-
well, you know i think you are mostly right with your suggestions. as you can see i've edited it a bit, most obviously the title. i just decided to scrap it alltogether cuz it never seemed quite right to start with. anyway, ant-government is certainly one way to interpret it, and as long as you can back it up and explain it it's perfectly fine. but the intended message is more along the lines of a warning against seeing the future, or desiring to see the future, or thinking you know your own future, or getting locked into a future, because prescience is a trap. if you know what's ahead you lose the power to change it, which is a power we have right now. now you can argue that that is what government has become, something slowing us down and molding us into one unchanging future so the government continues to rule. or not. again as you can plainly see i have actually made some of the changes you suggested because they made sense to me. alright well thanks
-
-
Thank you for considering my suggestions. The title is much better as well as the changes in the first stanza. I see you also changed the last stanza, and I think it makes the message you were trying to convey much clearer.
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
