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& i can't stand the smell of  cigarette smoke that stales the air around me. as i grab my sweater a little tighter, and repeat three our fathers in my head.

& i never go back to the hospital, three days ago i sat staring at you, as i held my best friends hand. "that's not him i swear its not him," as my tears choke my whisper. and all i can do now is wait. as the breathing tubes silently echo in the room, as i watch your chest go up and down.

i hate sitting in my room. i'm fidgety because i can't stand to think if you still need me the way i need you. & i'm selfish right now, and jealous how she only goes home to sleep and eat, while i sit in my room looking for that letter you wrote me. the one that said i mean the world to you, and how i don't deserve a guy like him, a guy who makes so many mistakes it breaks my heart.

i sit on the curb outside your house, lights off, drive way empty. i'm sitting out here because maybe it's just easier, then siting in my room, or white hallways.