The warm glow spreads over the coverlet
Melding with the reds and oranges
A shift knocks the heavy blanket loose
Revealing a tanned foot bathed in soft light
Illuminated by the many candles burning
Thoughts of heat and passion blossom their twin
As a blush dashes across the bridge of my nose
Clutching the cover to my naked chest I turn over
To see the flames dancing across his firm skin
And shining on his soft, curly hair
My vision’s obscured by the encroaching darkness
The candles beginning to burn lower and lower
Causing my other senses to heighten
As the darkness claims us I inhale the scent of him.
There’s a meaning to the world
In his embrace, as the lights continue to dim
Author notes
my own personal inspirational quote, “Situation candle light, enough to see the bits around you, but it’s never very bright”
Gavin DeGraw's song "Meaning"
Yay!
In a list
A contest entry
- Whatever You Want It To Be by Cursed4Eternity.
600 points, ended November 6, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
On the tip of your tongue, and in front of your eyes... What is it?
Comments
-
You've done a wonderful job of describing this moment between two people, giving a lovely sense of intimacy, and with a lot of subtlety and class. The imagery is very effective, nicely done. I think you have a great opportunity here to use this small circle of light as a larger metaphor, maybe for how short-sighted we see life in general. That may have actually been your intention...but if so, a clear enough connection wasn’t made, IMO. Either way, just a hint of suggestion could do wonders for an already good poem.
The biggest problem I see in this is the lack of punctuation. Many authors argue that punctuation isn’t necessary and point out famous poets who don’t use it, all of which is true. But, I think it’s important to remember that punctuation removes all the directions of how to read a poem, and makes the pace more difficult to control. The poet has to rely on line breaks and white space to make up for that, which IMO this doesn‘t do. The poem is a little more “prose-ish” than I generally like to see, but combined with no punctuation and beginning each line with a capitol letter it gets very difficult to follow your thoughts. My best suggestion would be to left align the poem and add punctuation. If you’re uncertain about where to place commas and periods, you can try first writing it out in sentences and punctuating just as if it were prose, then putting it back into the broken lines. Try it as an experiment, and if you like it better, great! But if not, you haven’t lost anything but a few minutes of your time and can leave it the way it is. I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how much of a positive difference it can make though.
Thanks so much for your entry in the contest and good luck. I enjoyed reading this, as it brought back some great candlelight memories from my past.
Best wishes,
~J.
-
-
thank you so much for this hella helpful comment! This has probably been the most helpful and non-intimidating critique that I have ever recieed on here and When I have the time I will definetly investigate your suggestions!
Jessa♥
-
-
A picture poem! My first. Very intense, I like it. Your use of imagery and the senses are terrific throughout this piece. I love how you kept it going strong through the whole poem. Thank you very much for entering my contest!
Adding your comment:
