My Own Abuse

Curl up into a ball
Knees to my chest
My own arms attempt to comfort
Nails dig into flesh
Clawing and abusing
While teeth scrape and bite at pink lips
I begin trembling
And tears roll down my cheeks
Squeezing my eyes shut
I dig my nails even deeper into my arms
Finally drawing blood
And I rock myself
'Cause suddenly I'm cold
And I'm scared
Images replay in my head
Emotions run wild
And thoughts of suicide fly by
Shaking my head I mutter no
And now I'm screaming,
Screaming at the world
Screaming at myself
Hands cover my ears
And pull at my hair
I want it to end so badly
But it haunts my every moment
And follows me round and round
I begin thrashing
And I try to stop
But I'm so out of control
Before I know it I'm up and out of this prison
I stumble and fall but I can't seem to stop
I turn on the shower and jump in fully clothed
The water burns but I deserve to be hurt
Tearing at my clothes I rip them all off
And I scrub at my skin
'Cause I'm so unclean and I hate this feeling
But this filth refuses to leave
And I realize this filth is me
Choking on sobs I brace myself on the bathroom wall
Falling to my knees I feel the water beating harshly upon me
But I can't bring myself to care
I'm stuck like this...wondering
And then I seemingly come to a decision
For I'm stumbling back into my prison
I toss things aside
Where is it?
Even now I'm still screaming
And they're open wounds on my arms
Images still play over and over in my head
I'm still trembling and I'm colder than ever
But I finally find what I'm looking for
My best friend,
My saviour
I'm able to just stop
And I collapse
Holding it my chest
And everything is silent
I'm wondering why I'd decided to return to this comfort
But I try not to think of it
Of how pathetic it is
And how weak I seem
I just press the razor to my wrist
I slowly drag it deeply
Hissing at the pain
I'm not sure whether to be thankful
Or attempt suicide
But my mind is made up
By this fantastic feeling that I 'live' for
Leaning against the wall
I can finally breathe
Cause I'm in control again
And the images recede
Leaving me to ponder
And blood still flows
And I know it's too much
So it doesn't surprise me
When everything begins to fade
And I can feel myself floating away
I begin to panic
This isn't what I wanted
But it's what I deserve

Isn't it?