up
Queasy, against the wall, {drenched} mascara-stained tears
F
A
L
L
like *flimsy* crystals with no reason to stay t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r.
(I could have said no, but I was too caught up in forever...)
There was only so much to take [fake] of your c/a/n/d/y-coated lies.
(You offered me help and I threw it in your face!)
~Crimson~ *g*l*i*t*t*e*r* flecks break a-p-a-r-t and mix
with the salty drops of sorrow. I should have seen the (tragedy)
in your :lust: filled eyes so *bright*. Nicotine ~kisses~ and
whiskey tears bring about nightmares that cause !SCREAMS! to form
upon my sugarless lips. If life is supposed to be this [dark] sour,
I'll take another ^HIT^ of sugar-coated bliss {sweet death},
the purest *faery* d.u.s.t. Dreams c.,;r.//.u,;/.m,;b,;/;l,..e
on b/r/o/k/e/n/ promises {pure lies} of tomorrow.
(Everything I thought I was is a figment of hellish imagination...)
Why can't I be {in}coherent? What sin got me this f....a....r?
(A promise of immortality tasted naively on death's decaying lips...)
As the last teardrops ~escape~, my heaven [sweet drug] *forsakes* me.
Author notes
Carpe Noctem
Simply, a girl dying from a cocaine overdose after friends have tried to help her.
A contest entry
- Dirty Pretty... by silver-X-lining.
650 points, ended November 24, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Life Is Beautiful. [Eight Options.] by La Tua Cantante.
545 points, ended March 12, 2008, 29 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Oh Sweetie; You're so [D-I-R-T-Y] pretty. by Candy Morphine.
550 points, ended January 23, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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(I could have said no, but I was too caught up in forever...)
i LOVE this line. love, love, love, love!!
i thought,, maybe the formating could use a little work, but that doesn't really matter seeing how great the writing is! -
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Thanks. Yeah, I haven't revised since I wrote it, which was a WHILE back, but I'll probably fix the format soon. Thanks very much!
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"(I could have said no, but I was too caught up in forever...)"
Defiantly my favourite line of the poem. =] Excellent emotion. Thank you for your entry and good luck.
x-Pretty-Odd-x <3 -
very nice.....i dont think its overly punctuated at all. all the punctuation really accentuates the piece....i like how you did f......a.....r and t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. it seems like you are first spreading them apart and then sitching back together. keep up the awesome work.
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I'd have to disagree with your summation of what makes a DP poem, but well done on the trophies
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Yeah, it's one of those things I think everyone has their own definition of. It's more than that, of course, but summing up my poem here, well, that's what I thought. I think I like the DP poetry without as much punctuation, and more involved in the raw emotion and with eloquent wording, than the glitzy over-punctuated stuff. But it works I guess. Thanks for your comment.
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I'll agree with you on that. There's only so many pieces you can read where someone breaks up with their boyfriend in a "tragic glitter filled mistake" before it makes you want to throw up.
I'm babbling, sorry
Congrats again on the trophies
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This is very good. Yet, I must say, the punctuation is a tad bit overdone
Good Luck,
Erika
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I really like this poem. It's a great dirty pretty, and I love the fact that it's not all over the place like some are. My favorite lines are:
"(I could have said no, but I was too caught up in forever...)
There was only so much to take [fake] of your c/a/n/d/y-coated lies."
This is pretty much amazing.
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very very beautiful
thank you for entering and for following my rules -
I absolutely loved this!
It's beautifully written. The longer lines suited the piece well. The DP punctuation was done well too, and always fit the emotions/actions/etc. you were trying to convey.
"the purest *faery* d.u.s.t. Dreams c.,;r.//.u,;/.m,;b,;/;l,..e
on b/r/o/k/e/n/ promises {pure lies} of tomorrow. "
I liked the (parenthetical) remarks especially. These were especially memorable and intriguing.
(I could have said no, but I was too caught up in forever...)
(A promise of immortality tasted naively on death's decaying lips...)
Your word usage throughout was masterful and you conveyed emotions and images well through these words. I loved the irony and small twists to the words that you used:
Why can't I be {in}coherent?
Nicely done, poet, and thank you for entering! -
This is beautiful!
I love dirty pretty :]
and the imagery is fascinating!
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Thank you.
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i love, absolutly love, the next to last line
this poem is beautiful
i love it
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Thanks a million.
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