I often feel like the past was the best time of my life and that If I could crystalize myself in those golden moments I freeze myself in time with a genuinly free and happy heart. The choices we make, no matter what we think, aren't as thought out as they could be. And even if they aren't spontaneous well...sometimes they combust all the same. When you shove your gut feelings under a rug they're come back out and bite your heels. You'll be dancing and jumping and before you know it you're in the situation you told yourself you'd never let yourself get into. You made vows and promises practically written in blood. A personal constitution of your beliefs and values and discipline. Then you compromised with amendments and add-ons. You found the fuzzy boundries and exploited they're gray interpretations. "I'm strong. I can handle it. I always said I wanted to try everything once. Well what if I die tomorrow? I might as well try it now. I'll just not do it again if I don't like it. I'm not as stupid as those sluts and druggies. I'm smarter then that. I have more self-control."
It's not a secret that the worse thing for an addict fresh out of rehab is going back to the same situation constantly surrounded by whatever the individual was addicted to. Their loved ones, even spouses and children, could be their worst enemies. It would be selfish to emancipate themselves from all that they used to love. Regardless, it would be freedom. And it would be so sweet. The ties will never disappear though. You will always carry your decisions and memories with you. The more we all try avoid the chronic skeletons of our closet, the harder it will boomerang back and bite you in the butt. There is no lesson to this write. It's not a poem and ya, to some extent it's from firsthand experiance, but we all carry our ghosts around with us no matter the severity.
This is my plea: that everyone who reads this finds their jimminy cricket and hold him dear. You can't be sheltered and saved from everything...at least not for very long. Do not let that be your excuse to give up. You have dreams. You have so very many dreams and wants and wishes that you would give anything for them. That's not all it takes. You have show abstinence in all that could hinder them. It is so very hard to get your willpower back once you have lost it. I look at my future with dread at how hard I'm going to have to work to get myself in sync with everyone else again. Start from scratch with nothing but the knowledge that I have those who care, and a lifetime to repair all that I've damaged. Forgive me, all those who I've hurt. Father God, take me into your arms one last time and let my mistakes be worth it. Speak to these readers that they may not make the same errors.
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Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wow Madison this is a very touching piece. Indeed it isn't a poem.This is coming straight from your heart and it actually means something to you. Never be ashamed to admit that you've made a bad decision. You should be ashamed to not admit it. Our choices define us as people. They make us and break us. As you probably already know. Beautiful, seriously, this is beautiful and you are a beautiful person. Live well, spoil yourself. Choose. <3
Josh
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I saw this and I was like,
Whooaa, way long, but I too was drawn in after beginning to read it.
You have such a great point written. Everyone has something that they have done that they can't take back no matter how much they want to.
hopefully there are many other people who can use this "advice?" and try not to do something that they feel they will regret.
I really love your words! The broad vocabulary really stimulated my mind! =)
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I feel like im intrupting something here. I like this line" but we all carry our ghosts around with us no matter the severity."
Keep on keeping on.
Joe
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mads even with this not being a poem.. u r still a genious.. i love you and i know your strong, and i know you can get through this, and i know it will be tough but hang in there... your a tough lil cookie.. and if hes tough enough to stick with it through you, ima say hes effin worth it... i just hope the best for you guys... cuz i dont want you to be miserable... but this makes me completely think about my choices... and what if i do die tomorrow what will life have accomplished.. but idk.. so i'll ttyl take care and luvs you much!
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Interesting
The title caught my eye. Then I saw it was hellaciously long. At first I was like wtf? But then, I was drawn in. Couldn't stop. I re-read it 3 or 4 times. The imagery is analytical and jawdropping. This came from the heart, and it's easy to see. Thanks for the advice babe. Live long, live well.
Amazing write Madison, love you always.
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