Eyes
too long exposed
barraged
by streaming photons
unblinking
in the sand dry air
sting
Fingers
autonomic twitching
direct
lives and worlds
imagined
in other men’s
fantasies
Time
dilates eyelike in darkness
escaping
though unattended gaps
beyond
all care or control of
awareness
Author notes
Option 10 Video games!
This is a more structured piece than I usually write, and the structure was somewhat spontaneous.
I had written the first stanza as a couple of lines, and found that if I added line breaks in unusual and interesting places that I could create another line of almost haikulike poetry hidden in the single word lines of the piece.
I then attempted to write more stanzas that followed a similar feeling and flow, that when combined would hide a second entire very zenlike poem inside the first.
I'm not convinced it's done yet, but I need to let it set for a while, and I forgot my notebook at home today, so rather than setting there, it has to set here!
It was interesting to watch two related but distinct creative processes occuring in my mind to create this piece.
I'm not sure about the repetition of 'eyes', but my attemptes to replace eyelike with another word... irislike for example seems to interupt the flow. On the other hand, I kinda like the effect of the repetition in this case.
I welcome honest critiques in the mean time.
A contest entry
- THE BEST YOU CAN DO! please enter... :) by LilMrsAttitude.
1600 points, ended March 30, 2008, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Where does it take you?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
This is a very vivid image of a
"player". Your imagery paints quite
a picture, that is easily visualized.
good luck in the contest.
I enjoyed this one very much. -
I really like this...was lookign thorughout for some sort of unifying concept, so when i read the first part of the authors notes that answered a question.I personally didn't like "too long exposed" [the second line]. I don't know why really it just struck me as a little weaker than the rest. the image of time dilating 'eyelike' is genius.
Your authors notes are a bit distracting, being that they are longer than the poem so it seems a bit odd to be analysing why you did this and that for ages after I decided I liked the poem anyway. But hey, if you were asked to do that for a contest then fair enough.
I would defianlty say this way finished tohugh, too many more stanzas would drag it out too much.
really really good work...bit fan of this definatly
take care xxx
-
Hi I really like this poem It just seems to jump out of the page and you don't want to stop reading
Keep up the grate work
All the best
XxSarahxX
Gd Bless You And All You Care For!
-
Hello Ryan, I have really given this some extra thought and apologise for my lack of input before.
Firstly I went back to option 10 to see what was required -:video games.
I agree with you that it could be longer, perhaps describing the rush of adrenaline when nearly completing a level or the disapointment of losing your last life.
Maybe you could use the smell of fear at the chase or the heady scent of success at the kill?
You question the use of the word "eyelike" It came into my mind that the word "feline" could be an alternative, although the original stands ok with me.
I hope this is the kind of thing that you wanted and although I enjoyed the piece that I read I would really like to read it again if at some time you make it longer.Val
-
-
Thank you so much for taking the time to make such a meaningful comment! What really great suggestions! I will have to take another serious look at thie piece as a result of your really excellent ideas!
Thanks Val!
-
-
As I am no expert in this form it is very hard for me to critique, however I wish you well in the contest and good luck. Val:g
-
-
Regardless your familliarity with form, (since it doesn't really have one, per se) I would appreciate your opinion, even (perhaps especially) if you don't like it, and why. How does it make you feel? Does it evoke anything in you?
-
-
Thank you so much for submitting on this topic! My husband's gonna have to read it! Good luck in my contest. And congrats on being the 1st submission on option 10!
~*DJ*~
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
