You chewed me up
Spit me out
Took me to where I was going down
Way down
You didn't know it but when I got home from school
I cried and cut and wanted to die
You finally pushed me over
This is it, my suicide
This is my life
This is my suicide
Falling apart I can see
So don't grab my hand
And pull me away
Don't tell me everything is going to be okay
Because nothing is okay
Nothing is okay
We were the best of friends
But I wanted more
I was standing in the shadows
But you never saw me there
I couldn't tell you how I felt inside
Or that you were all that mattered
All that kept me sane
This is it, my suicide
This is my life
This is my suicide
Falling apart I can see
So don't grab my hand
And pull me away
Don't tell me everything is going to be okay
Because nothing is okay
Nothing is okay
You were always in the dark
No, you can't save me
I've run out of hope
My life is through
I'm past hope and help
Are you happy that this is your fault?
Are you happy now?
This is it, my suicide
This is my life
This is my suicide
Falling apart I can see
So don't grab my hand
And pull me away
Don't tell me everything is going to be okay
Because nothing is okay
Nothing is okay
This is it
My life is over
This is it
My suicide
Author notes
me and my friend wrote this, its mostly me... but ya its about how at one point in my life i just wanted to die, and i couldnt get over the face that no matter wat i did, everything was wrong.....
A contest entry
- Show me inside your head by icyrose.
900 points, ended November 8, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not for the Weak. (Six for luck!) by Curious LiLi.
452 points, ended October 13, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Three Years of Growth by bloved.
1450 points, ended October 12, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love Me Like You Did Yesterday by Turning-To-Dust.
900 points, ended October 9, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Come One, Come All - The Circus Is In Town by lowercase prelude.
4000 points, ended October 15, 2008, 105 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Click. Now. You know you want to. ;) Click Click my contest :P by Jaffa-.
460 points, ended December 7, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - E.M.O ~ PoEmS xxx && brokenrosessooooofocate by Ryno.
400 points, ended December 8, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the biggest prewrite contest ever by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 18, 362 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a song me and my friend wrote, what do you think of it?
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Well
The poem was well done. Pain you relayed was a great reminder that younger people hurt as well. As I grow older I tend to forget I hurt like that a few times when i was in school So I thank you for reminding me of a younger day. I loved the song I could hear it set to a hard yet slow rhythm.... Great job
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The first stanza on this poem is very strong and evocative, the openess of the words used and the subtlety of teenage issues added into the 6th line is really well done.
In the second stanza I like the way the voice tells us not to try and help, showing that they want to be alone, invoking the atmosphere of the piece which is reinforced by the repetitiveness of the last two lines.
The third stanza I'm not sure of, I can see where it is going but the abruptness of the way the lines end doesnt really work for me - this is of course my own opinion and isnt gospel.
The repetition of the second stanza throughout this poem is brilliant I think it works really well xxxx
The stanza that starts 'you were always in the dark' works much better than the third one in my opinion, I like the way it questions the school - the reader even, the last four lines work really well in the repetition overall a really good poem well done xx
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i know that feeling oh tooooo well my dear .....on several occassions i have felt like there is nothing going right in my life and i just wanted to kill my self........ but i didnt .....and i'm glad i didnt ....
even if there are still some time sthe thoughts flash in my head .....
nay way ,this poem/song is very good.... you gus did a great job at expressing how worthless one could feel at time ......
i thought it was about a guy ....not being noticed by him or he causing endless heartache!!!
may be wrong ...but good work ! -
Well, you had most certainly not want to die now....You have a talent for writing! I really did enjoy this piece! So saddening to think about, though. Good luck and best wishes for future writes.
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thank you! well its been quite a while since this was written, and i have changed quite a bit, ive gotten better but i still have aways to go! thank you tho!
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good
I really like it. I hope everything is okay for you know cause nobody should feel those feelings!
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well, its not quite perfect but def getting better!
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i loved it but the fact that you felt that way allarms me. nothing should ever go so wrong to make you think seriously about dying. I really liked this poem though. it had alot of discription and alot of feeling. I loved the way it was written!=)
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WOW! this is powerful stuff. I can really relate to it. I am so sorry you feel or have felt this way. I know how it feels to lose all sense of importance in life. Every word has so much emotion and intensity. I love this write. You have really done a great job here, you and your friend should be very proud of your selves. and if you ever need to talk i am here talk to. please read some of my work i think you could really relate to a lot of it. take care and please feel free to message me and talk if you ever need to
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The poem comes off as whiny and cruel, it is obvious it is written from a 13 or 14 year old girl, but then again i hope you wrote this as a vent for these emotions, this is a peice that matters more to the person who wrote than somebody like me, keep writing, find a original way to write about suicide
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um how is it whiney?
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I don't think anyone should ever want to kill themselves just because of one rejection. Especially at such a young at age - you are going to have so many more chances in life it is ridiculous to end it now over one lost attempt.
But that is just my opinion. I felt that the phrasing in this piece was very cliche and it was hard to relate to the emotion, or feel the emotion. I also felt like this could've used a lot of imagery and creativity.
I am sorry that you feel this way though, and I hope you are feeling better soon. Thanks for the entry. -
wow
i have been threw that a LOT. my friend did really kill himself, it was because of me.. i broke up with him, and lost his child.. like had a misscarge..and yea.. i can relate to this poem. after lossing him, and then my cousin got killed i just wanted to die. good poem. -
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omg im so sorry!
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I think its good (:
Unlike some other peple i did see rite away that it was a song LOL. I think thats cool how you and sum of your frends got together and wrote it. I felt like i coneckted with your poem, when it said "You didn't know it but when I got home from school
I cried and cut and wanted to die" i related to that (even no we no its the wrong thing to do, peple still do it!). If you have any qweshons or just wanna chat messige me. (: I wood love to here the tune!
From DropDeadRachel
p.s sorry im new and it wont let me give you the 3 smiley face thinggy LOL but i think you poem/song was awsum. (Y) -
Um
Nice,,a little repetitive but its ok because it makes is sound lyrical...Nice story and makes complete sense to me. I like that it is crear and I can relate to it, at first, I don't know why, but it sounded to me as a bully was bothering you lo, My mistak. ll in all, I think its a fair piece. I like it.
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it is a little odd at first haha and hard to understand. the repetiveness is only there cuz it is in fact a song haha
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Your gonna need to put somthing about yourself in your author notes please. This is a beautiful poem. So so sad, but it tells the story perfectly. Fab flow and great language. I liked the repetiition of the word suicide. Great title as well Good luck in the contests.
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thank you! so much! is my author notes good now?
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Thanks for adding your author notes it.
They are so sad. I'm not asking you to change them, their perfect because it's about you. -
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ok, cool! thanks!
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Thanks for entering my contest firstly. I think that this piece really works as a song. I think it was a tiny bit bland, but i did enjoy the theme of it. Good luck.
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o THANK YOU! i love how a lot of people, however, dont ever really notice that this is lyrics to a song me and my friend were working on!
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I am not going to lie....I don't really like this genre of poetry. It's kind of cliche and I am not sure this actually shows growth. This contest was made for you to rewrite your first posted work. To me it seems like you just enter the same piece without any revision what so ever.
Please do not take this wrong way, but this is just my opinion, see as that you did not follow the rules and put your screename or link to your poetry page in your authors note. How am I suppose to know that you actually re wrote this?
Overall I think this would make for some type of song because of the repeativeness of certain lines. Reads off like lyrics and nothing is wrong with that.
Now if you were offended by my comment I am sorry, you can just message me if you had any questions.
Thanks for your entry
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i understand completely. this was also actually written as a song with my one friend.
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I didn't really like this. It was rather badly written, the flow didn't really work, and I just didn't like it
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your opinion is your own! XD lolz i knew this one would actually have a lot of mixed reviews when i put it up.
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The flow could use some work, and the plot is a little, um, overused. I like new twists, not the same old-same old.
Thanks for entering! -
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thank you for your critique
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This would be a perfect poem to use in a song...Terribly frustrated and it seems like you just gave up completely. You cannot let your life go to tatters because of someone who couldn't see your feelings. Remember there are always worse situations...
Anyway I would change the "don't tell me everything is going to be okay" to something shorter, because it contrasts with the flow of the rest of the chorus. Apart from that, good write, strong, clear idea and definitely a lot of personality.
thanks and Good Luck!
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welcome to ap
i thought it was a song even though it didn't say lyrics. very sad stuff. something i'm sure everyone has felt and i struggle with for different reasons. good job. -
try to make the words rhyme but the message and how you brought it to everyone is very very good
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real damn good
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thank you so much!
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wow
this is really good, especially for your age, i mean yeah i like it and i can see you put thought into it so good job!
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omg thnx!! i really did put thought and time into it... more so than anything else ive written
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