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petals bounce-
the honey bee waits
under a leaf


or for the 5-7-5 croud:
 
petals bounce to rain-
the detained honey bee waits
under a wide leaf



A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • micol
    November 9, 2007

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    First version is sufficient. It says everything without any wasted syllables, captures the image, invites the application, and fulfills the purpose of haiku. Well done.

  • Seeking Peace silver member
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Now rain must be quite scary for the poor little bee, I thouroughly enjoyed both versions of this haiku, goodluck in the contest

    Karen


  • motel silver member
    November 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    both haiku are really wonderful. actually, I prefer the first one - more immediate. thank you for both of them.

    • quakietree
      November 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. And thanks for the claps :-)
      qt


  • azure85 gold member
    November 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    petals bounce-
    the honey bee waits
    under a leaf

    Woonderful images in this haiku-and I like the 5-7-5 version also. The sight of the petals moving, and the honey bee taking cover is really good. Thank you so much!

1 - 5 of 5