The cold bit at my tongue,
Flooding the stillness in the air,
Along that path of innocence.
The pine needles and their
intoxication filled my lungs.
I remember the emptiness in your eyes,
As I said it was over.
They were as broken glass
Sharp and cold.
The sadness crept up your face
In veins of mascara,
It blackened your eyes.
The tears washing away
Scars, long since
Smothered in guilt.
We've been here before.
My soul shivered,
With every note the robins sang.
Melting in every flake that fell,
Trapped amongst the pieces of me
Dancing in the wind,
Like ashes in the fall.
Author notes
First original write in two years.
Opinions?
A contest entry
- Catch My Eye Or Lose It All (Quickie) by WarmHeartedGeisha.
360 points, ended November 5, 2007, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Wow....beauty surely reigns within this piece...
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Not bad, not bad at all. I was interested in reading it, but I was thinking of deleting it once, but I like it, and its a poem I possibly could see wining my contest. Good job and good luck
~Lorissa~ -
To those who have read this in the last two days, I've made some minor adjustments.
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quite touching and potent!
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Okay, I am going to suggest cutting out some of the definitive participles and conjunctions. I am also going to suggest writing in present tense instead of past.
Cold bit at my tongue,
Floods still air,
Along that path of innocence.
pine needles and their
intoxication filled my longs. …Did you mean lungs here? Just checking. I think longs is an interesting choice if that is what you meant, but this line and the line above sort of tell instead of show. Try something like:
Pine needles smell like innocence.
Or
Pine needles intoxicate you with innocence
Or
Pine needles smell like magic and childhood games
I remember the emptiness in your eyes,
As I said it was over.
They were as broken glass
Sharp and cold.
I like the repetition of the word “as” in these two lines.
The sadness crept up your face
In veins of mascara,
Nice imagery here.
It blackened your eyes,
Icing your heart.
I like the line about the eyes, but I am not sure that the icing the heart works .
My love forever shattered,
Shattered love is kind of cliché Maybe you can get away with it if you show it with some more imagery.
Trapped amongst the pieces of me
Dancing away in the wind,
Like ashes in the fall.
The ending is quite appropriate.
Hope that was helpful.
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I've changed a few of the lines, using your suggestions. I think it flows better now, but the imagery still needs some work.
I removed the line "My love forever shattered" and replaced it with the three lines I rewrote.
I also added the line "We've been here before." I was going for the feeling that this had happened over and over to the writer. He always finds himself in these hollow relationships, and chooses this lane in the wilderness to end them all. Somewhat poetic, yet masochistic at the same time.
I think it turned out nicely. Thank you for your help. I appreciate it very much, as I try to get back into writing.
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