Eyes shone plastic hearts in tin reflections
as a seamless rosa curled around her stomach;
leaves peeled against an arched back for creasing mouths
whose ecstatic lips darted eyes past milky pressures
pushing fabric over peaks in sound and biting air;
sightless sunshine kicking behind a buttoned blouse;
stems growing digits between closely beating hearts;
care born through nectar drops the Apis mellifera pumped
in measures meant to bloom his femme fatale by summer;
when two lives should jump and start a fresher means;
to end at last.
Author notes
...fresh, and thus more than open to critique.
"There have been poets who could and did play more than one game of tennis with unseen rackets, volleying airy and fantastic balls over an insubstantial net, on a frail moonlit fabric of a court" - Carl Sandburg
Be honest, I promise it won't hurt;
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is truly a wonderful write, I mean that with all my heart; the metaphor and originality is brilliant and the imagery is amazingly penned. This poem reaches a third level depth in that respect. I do however have to judge it against the other entries and as I stated in the contest guidelines the judging is totally subjective and I offered the high points for that privilege. The only reason this poem didn’t make the list is because it isn’t penned in a traditional formal form. I stated that for a free form to qualify it had to totally blow my mind. If this image was penned in a Sonnet or perhaps a Villanelle, it would have been a contender for gold. I am only removing it because I must make space for poems that I asked for. Only the best poets on AP have been entering this contest and I believe you are one of them. I’d love to give all those points to you so please try again.
Love,
Amera♥
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Oi!!
This poem is beyond me, too deep for my small brain, I am very ordinary and speak plain with my poetry (I think) I want to add you to my favs, going by the first 2 I have read, do you mind? WASP. -
I have to admit, it was your title that caught my eye...being a plant biology major, I couldn't resist lol. And I'm definitely glad I clicked - this was wonderful. I loved the imagery of sunshine and seeds and honeybees (don't forget to itallicise Apis mellifera when you can ) and leaves. It's a very green and lush poem, a bit about growth, a bit about new things (at least that's what I felt lol). And a bit...steamy...yes, decidedly steamy lol. Should it be "past milky pressures" instead of passed? Anyways, my only suggestion might be to play around with line breaks a little. I have nothing against long (or short) lines, but because you pack so much into each of these lines it becomes easy for the ready to get lost before the line reaches an end, if that makes sense. I think it the lines were a little shorter, a reader could take each line in separation, taste it, understand it, then move on to the next without being daunted by the promise of another long convooluted (though absolutely lovely!) line. Just a thought...I often try my poems with half a dozen different line break options before I find one that really works lol. Anyways, this was excellent, and I wish you all the best in the contest.
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I wanted to itallicise, but alas I haven't even gotten to the stage in my life where I own a credit card.
And I had wondered about which past/passed to use. One of those grammar points I'm not rock steady on - but if it means to have passed it would be passed not past? Althought one does write half past three? (I actually have no idea - anyone?)
Thanks for the critique, and I will go play with some varying line breaks.
=> Jess -
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I asked my mother
, and she says it's past because passed is in some different tense or conjugation or some such.
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That was my thought lol. Glad to find out I do know what I'm talking about once in a blue moon or so.
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Oh. This is an interesting kind of poem that you have penned here. I like it. I like that it has a lot of image to go with your thoughts in this. I think that's important for helping your readers see things through your eyes. It seemed to me to be about the coming of age and when you're learning about who you are and who you are with someone else. Or something like that anyways. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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That wasn't quite what I intended writing the poem, how-ever like all art it's more than open to interpretation. Totally subjective.
=> Jess
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