The room of Reunion

I know what rape is like.
I am both the victim and the culprit.
My body thrown to the floor, hidden
From the rest of the world
By a bathroom door.
Violated, silenced, trapped
And unable to cry out.
But soon crying comes flooding
through the pleasure - (because the pleasure is only the pain I cause myself).
Pouring guilt and a billion pains
Back out on top of me.
I do this...
I kill myself night after night
Ignoring the hurt until its too much
And I stop to regather myself.
Shaking, hating who I am and
What Ive done. What Im doing.
No one sees, its my secret.
My discusting secret for no one's ear to ever hear about...
Its sickening. Heaping my insides up
I want to spill it all out, but say nothing, scream nothing...
So I hide it away. No one knows (its just a knot below my stomache).
...when will it be too much?
Its always too much.
NO ONE HEARS ME
T.H.I.S.I.S.T.O.O.M.U.C.H.
...Its not my heart beat...
I strip my own innoscence.
And the world has no idea...
The shower becomes my bed and
Im sleeping with Shame.
This room is now my threshing floor
And my tomb of sin.
The tears and jolts are uncontrollable.
I dont know where they come from
But I turn away... I know HE sees and
Im utterly embarrassed.
This is not me.
I defile myself
And deny my own pitty.
I dont want comfort for this...
But as I dry and dress myself - this is my nurture.
The attack walks out the door and Im left
To soak my wounds alone.
Now I open the door and pretend Im ok again.
But this is not me.