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Freedom

I am he who carries the flag and
brings democracy at gunpoint.

I am the bayonet
at the barrel end of diplomacy.

I am the sacrificial lamb
to failed policy
the closed fist of corporate greed

I am the reason to succeed and
the source of failure.

I am the dust faded colors
of red white and blue
hanging from a pole
ends tattered by mighty winds
blown from lands unseen.

I am he who walks the point
lonely and afraid
fighting for my comrades
dying for your pride.

I am the calloused feet
bleeding on the line
drawn on the sand
by manicured hands.

I am obsidian sharpened to a point
brittle as glass ready to explode.

I am breaking news
interrupting a game show
reason to stand and
retrieve a fresh drink.

I am freedom chained death dressed as life
a hero unearned a reason for strife.

I am alone and forgotten
the end which justifies the means.

I am the voice shouting to the world
let freedom ring.

Author notes

Yeah I desire to be better

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Starnova
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a good poem about freedom and the people who fight for it. i like the descriptiveness of it and the flow is real nice. well written, keep it up


  • a gothic romance
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i like it. it's fairly unique and descriptive.
    it is a little bit too long i find. i got the whole idea and effect before it was over.
    this poem is pretty good as it is, but since you said you desire to be better i'll try and leave come tips
    the vocabulary is somewhat popular. the lines on their own are somewhat bland. the wording itself lacks some poetic beauty and expression.

    some powerful adjectives and similes could make you really stand out. something a little more individualistic. brainstorming 1000 different ways to describe something very specific might help you out. testing out different styles, even copying other poets' styles (the really extreme ones) and then creating your own out of all that can help you a lot.
    the structure is fairly formal, so i think some crazy experimentation could help you out, as long as it fits your personality. you want you poetry to express who you are as a person, as well as how you feel. the way you perceive things and react.
    possibly writing something deeply personal, something you've always been afraid to write (even writing it in third person if it seems scary) might help you break some boundaries.
    thank you for entering, i hope i have been helpful