They fell through the cracks, those misfits.
And no matter which (thin, pointy) tools we used,
We couldn't get them back out again.
The counselors couldn't convince them they were sane,
And they just kept writing morose journal entries.
One wrote a story,
About stray children following the moon home.
The moon wouldn't keep them,
And put them in foster care.
(So many misfits from foster care,
Manufactured like milk.)
DHS took away the moon's natural children anyway.
No bowls of gruel at the orphanage,
Only off-brand cereal
From their (might-be-real) fathers.
Their feeble souls couldn't find relief,
They wanted porridge from Little Miss Muffet herself.
The angels who followed them cried.
No one in the stars could say what to do.
Maybe they'll be dressed in unusual outfits,
Using unusual words to convey unusual souls.
No amount of shouting will help.
They will disappear into the gray fields
And no one will be surprised.
(But maybe one day they'll start a musical band.)
Author notes
Okay, this is version 2 of this poem. (Yeah, I know you can read titles.) Anyway, I tried to be less vague with this one, at the suggestion of readers.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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sixshine
For some reason this reminded me of never being satisfied with who you are perceived to be. but maybe I'm projecting.
hmmmm.
this was very moonshiny
much better to
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They fell through the cracks, those misfits.
And no matter which (thin, pointy) tools we used,
We couldn't get them back out again.
That tells the story right there. It IS sad.
More sad because it’s true. You write well.
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Wow, someone that takes notice of criticism, I had yet to see someone else who did so, such a great poem tho and thanks for sharing it. Keep up the good writes. xXx
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Nice, I like the whole theme of the poem.
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Honestly
I actually love how you was able to take constructive critiquing so well and reproduced this write in such a mannter that feelings from the first version still rolled over into this version. Kudos for that and keep penning -
A very sad write... most people can read this poem and put their own experience or opinion into what happened... but having never been faced in a situation like this, I couldn't relate. Still, it was a lovely write. Good imagery and metaphors.
Keep writing!
Kate *Rose*
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this for me is clearer now, and much sadder - but I'm reacting to the subject, and not the way it is written, which by the way is well done. There is something eerie about the children of the Moon that I love, even feel that I know the gray fields into which they will disappear. Well done.
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Maybe you weren't "vague" in your 1st version, perhaps arcane and because poetry is cathartic, others can just read into what they want - they don;t HAVE to understand you/it!
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