Temporal vortex clashes
in maelstrom melee,
marking machinates with
faded excuses.
Tepid tantrums begin to boil
and verbiage crashes
through fragile façade.
Impotent retorts lie
aborted against bastilles
of your granite pose.
Subfusc saturates compromises
kaleidoscopic reasons,
drowning ire in derisions spit
and like the turning tide,
flotsam of anarchy
clings to futile apex.
Cigarette smoke holds the tension,
hanging like spoor in tainted air,
polluting periodic glances of forgiveness
cast from behind stubborn eyes
and tongue tied apologies.
Author notes
This is a pre-write, but the rules of this contest meant it had to be re-entered as a new write.
A contest entry
- for truly talented poets and those who desire to be better by a gothic romance.
475 points, ended November 8, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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yeah i really like this piece. it has a dark stormy feel to it. i think if you laid it on the screen differently it could even look to resemble a tempest. on the whole i'm pretty satisfied with this piece. i think that the constant use of rare and somewhat difficult words almost feels like you're trying really hard, and it can only connect to people with extensive vocabulary. the latter is not a bad thing at all, it gives a sense that you have to be "smart" in order to understand your piece.
it just almost seems like you're trying too hard with these words. the last stanza was really powerful, and separating the last line from the piece has the perfect effect on the entire poem.
i think you did a marvelous job
thank you for entering.
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Wonderful write, I loved the alliteration in almost every line, gave the piece something different and wonderful. Good luck Colin!
~Michaela~
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Words are good...
not quite as good as sushi, yet still pretty good. But wordiness can weigh a write down and overwhelm it, kind of like too much wasabi. This has just a bit too much wasabi (and I'm someone who likes a good deal of wasabi)...but it has some good textures too. The last stanza:
Cigarette smoke holds the tension,
hanging like spoor in tainted air,
polluting periodic glances of forgiveness
cast from behind stubborn eyes
and tongue tied apologies.
...that's like a perfect Dynamite Roll...
-
Some run you are on indeed.
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