Am I invisable?
i'm standing
right in front of you
but you don't see me
Am I invisable?
I scream out your name
but you don't hear me
Am I invisable?
I reach out
to touch you
but you don't feel me
Am I invisable?
A contest entry
- for truly talented poets and those who desire to be better by a gothic romance.
475 points, ended November 8, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING YOU WANT! (Within reason) by BonaFidePoet.
300 points, ended November 26, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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That feeling of being invisible is horrible, and you definitely get your point across. I liked that and can sadly relate, but I do think there is a lack of power and impact in your poem. I see by another of the comments you've gotten some great advice already. I'd add that working with metaphors might be a great way to expand on your thoughts and bring out the emotions I think you're trying to bring across. You could start by asking yourself what loneliness and being invisible feels, smells, or even tastes like. Remember too, that the rules of prose writing don't necessarily apply in poetry. You don't have to write in complete sentences, which can really free up your creativity and options for expression.
I think this might have been a great therapeutic write for you, and that's always a good thing. Anything that helps you through life's rough times is a valuable thing to be able to use and turn to. If that's your main goal in writing there's nothing wrong with what you've got here. If you're interested in becoming a better poet, then yeah...this might be something to look at and work on. Most importantly though for whichever reason you write, just keep on doing it. Improvement comes with practice, as does that therapeutic benefit.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck,
~J. -
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thanks so much.
i appriciate the criticism.
ive learned to use more metaphors.
if you want to see my improvements please check out my other poem "More Than Invisible"
thanks again
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Nicely done. It's very simple, but it works! Good job, and thank you for enering!
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cute
good luck in the contest!
Poirsbaby
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the strongest part of this poem is the structure. everything else could use some serious improvement. the vocabulary feels like regular speech. it's like someone wrote down your dialog in a conversation.
to work on your vocabulary you could get a dictionary or a thesaurus, as well as free-write as many different ways of describing an emotion as you can. everything about it, the way it affects all your senses. every pretty metaphor and simile you can think of.
then go back to the drawing board.
experiment with style, topic, structure. look into other poets and try to take some in from their style. i've found mimicking the styles of poets such as e e cummings and other radical poets such as him has taught me a few things about how a poem can touch a page.
there are no boundaries, remember.
as long you can effectively represent something, express something, provide insight to the reader as to what sets you apart, what makes you unique, bare your soul,
you've written a poem
thank you for entering
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