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The Cheater

the feeling was blight in the midnight air
an awful fright, as I looked at my hand
sentenced to linger, a burden to bear
still on my finger; your gold wedding band
tonight is the night, I know it’s not fair
this horrible plight, I don’t understand
so now we are here, at a table for two
I swallowed my fear, my darling we’re through

I caught her with you, alone in my bed
you were so untrue when you betrayed me
I picked up the gun and I shot her dead
so now it is done and I’ll make you see
I’ll treat you like her, I filled her with lead
or do you prefer I let you go free?
you see how we are, you think all is fine
enjoy your cigar, I poisoned your wine

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Ottava Rima with an internal rhyme  

An Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octaves. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in the following rhyme scheme:
one octave poem. abababcc
two octave poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octave poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • cricketjeff gold member
    May 21, 2008

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    This is nicely twisted, poetically and in content. I am a big fan of iambic pentameter but it isn't needed everywhere and is often over done, this has a nice tetrameter with a heavy caesura in each line sharpened by the internal rhyming, good poem!


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    November 17, 2007

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    This was an enjoyable read and certainly a different twist on this poetic form. The internal rhyme was an added fillip and contributed to the pace of this piece. I felt that a better use of capitalization and end line punctuation would have elevated this poem. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    November 13, 2007

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    Wonderful use of form and internal rhyme, MY GOODNESS What a STORY though. Gruesome and tragic. A superb entry as I expected. Gee, I loved that internal rhyme and of course you KNOW I will have to have a go at it. LOL. Always an inspiration to me. Wonderful. ~Pamela


  • sunny day
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow gf!!!!! Remind me not to get you angry. LOL This is an excellent ottava rima that you penned for this contest. No surprises there. Superb rhyming and meter kept it flowing like that hot lead that the biatch got filled with. I'm in a silly mood today and I actually got an evil laugh at this one. All I could think at the time was, serves her right, you don't mess with someone else's man. Thank you for sharing your brilliance in form once again. I'm never disappointed and right now I got a KA attitude going on. Best wishes in the contest with this golden piece. Love you my friend, Joyce


    • Amera gold member
      November 7, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      LOL, thank you so much Joyce. I know I did a good jub when your comment is as good as the poem.

      Love,
      Amera♥


  • captain howdy
    November 4, 2007
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    Love the end! I thought this was cleverly done, and your rhyme is flawless as always.


  • ellipsist
    November 4, 2007

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    love the ending!

    such sharp cynicism!

    wonderful and clever!


  • JohnnyD gold member
    November 4, 2007

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    Well If I don't find one agreeable soon, I'll probably wind up being 85 and shot in the back of the head while fleeing in my walker from a jealous husband?? hey, worse ways to dream of going huh? Loved the last two lines, in my case you'd probably have to poison the Simulac. LOL!


    Dad


  • Moodayo-Okohke silver member
    November 2, 2007

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    WHAT A HOOT

    You think all is fine enjoy your cigar, I poisoned your wine...Good for you...Cheaters never win! they sometimes get shot Love it my LITTLE BLUE STAR!

    ~YOUR WARRIOR~

    BLACK CROW


  • Cup-a-Joe
    November 2, 2007
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    Walk silently, and carry a big gun. Love this.
    Joe

  • the chase
    November 2, 2007

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    Hahaha I the last two lines are great
    I think parts of this didn't flow well, I mean the syllable count is right but some of the lines still seemed off. And line 7 is the only one with 11 syllables, did you mean for that or should it be 10 like the rest?

    • Amera gold member
      November 2, 2007
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      Thanks so much, I figure is an eleven syllable line is good enough for Shakespeare, it’s good enough for me. hehe..

  • PersuingHappyness
    November 1, 2007

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    hehe.... I love it. I love poems that have twists at the end of it and plus its a really dark poem... and as you know I do love those types of poems lol... What a wonderful write


  • jo-el
    November 1, 2007

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    ooo..its like a butcher knife left in the freezer. but rightfully so. cold to a point yet hot with passion of purpose and determination for revenge. love it. very coool


  • Desire gold member
    November 1, 2007

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    Holy Moly!!

    Oh My
    Powerful piece that grips the reader from beginning to end Sweet Soul
    Wow!!
    The last two lines...Oy!

    Love this story You have weaved also the form You presented this in
    Thank You for sharing Your Talent!
    Best wishes to You in the contest
    Many blessings too
    and much love~ Desire~*~


  • Ithica silver member
    November 1, 2007

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    Fantasies of revenge are healing to the soul. As long as you don't try to MAKE them your reality! That being said I LOVED this poem! Mostly for it's complexity, but a great deal for the drama of your topic. If I brought my revenge fantasies to life, I'd be carving notches in the gunbarrel or saving an awful lot of corks! So far I'm felony free...


  • StarEyes
    November 1, 2007

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    Oh, I can relate, I know what those guys are like...
    Been there, done that. And you really showed those feelings really well! Great job!! Love it!

    Best of luck in this contest!!

    and love

    Nyetta


  • capricornpoet
    November 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    satire of wrath

    A touch of black humour, this satirical poem tale,
    mingled with shakespearean tragedy of all poisons and
    daggers to one who usurped the covenant ..wedding band.. the wrath of a woman never to be taken lightly.


  • PerVirtuous
    November 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Ha ha ha. Erick better go on the wagon...

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