When Shakespeare came through broken window panes
To lie in shadowed verse across our bed,
And wine the shade of pomegranates stained
The tips of fingernails and pencil lead;
When you were draped with moon and satin sheets
Like lodes of gold and silver compromised,
And falling consonants looked old as teeth
As sonnets took to flight like butterflies;
When syntax sewed our hearts into one room
With threads of skin and glass and auburn hair,
And seeds of you grew roots in my cocoon
While Marlowe drank merlot to our affair;
Then morning light, as soft as butter cream,
Kisses my nose and wakes me from my dreams.
Author notes
This is a Shakespearean sonnet. Do you know who Persephone is? *winks*
Please be critical, especially since formed poetry isn't my forte. I take critiques with open arms.
A contest entry
- Round 3 ~ of 5 - ONLY 15 will advance to the FINAL ROUND by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended November 8, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pagan Poetry by Rinoasis.
450 points, ended March 3, 2008, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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"Then morning light, as soft as butter cream, ..."
I loved the last few lines, to me this finished the poem with gusto. As for slanted rhyme or rhyme in general - that's up to the author and as long as the message is clearly conveyed it doesn't/shouldn't matter. Well done!!
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This is very beautiful! I like the slant rhyme which, indeed, Shakesperare used quite often. The first stanza is my favorite although I really like the whole piece! I see the promegrante reference but other than that I don't make the conection to Persephone. Unless it a love letter from Hades himself?
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I guess my intent was to meld two things together. First, the myth of Persephone - the pomegranate, all of the allusions to things underground, a bit of seasonality, darkness and lightness. Second, the idea of poetry in a classic sense and the way a poem is constructed. Not to explicate the entire piece or anything lol.
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You know~ since you opened the door~ to "taking critiques with open arms." I decided to ooooOHHHHH ah let me find what I can ~ and pick over it with a fine tooth comb..... and you know what I found???? ummmmm, mmmmmm, NOTHING! I didn't see anything wrong with it!!! (/kicks the can across the room) It's beautifully written~ I truly enjoyed reading this....
I'm really enjoyin' those few poets who have quizzed me in their author's notes.... so If I answer you.,... better say if I'm right.... isn't Persephone something with mythology, if I remember correctly... Not one of my favorites in it~ but I do/did enjoy mythology... so I think it was there... if not there maybe in a shakespearian play i've read... both I enjoyed.... so it has to be in one or the other... my first guess is mythology...Nice job on the write~ congrats for making it to the 3rd round~ good luck to you this round.
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I ever so glad you liked it.
I'm rather proud of this piece actually, since meter and form aren't really my normal cup of tea. Guess I've gotta try a new flavor once in a while.
I'll IM you with the Persephone answer...wouldn't want to ruin it for everyone else.
Thanks again for hosting!
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Great
Great read, I would love to be critical but I have never done formed poetry myself until this round this however looks great to me. They are not as easy as they look. Well penned, good luck in this round -
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Thanks! I've always found formed poetry a heck of a lot harder than Shakespeare made it look lol.
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Well, I have an issue with the rhyme. It is 'almost' rhyme which is not good rhyme. The piece itself has beautiful thought and potential. However, when you rhyme meter and words count. For instance...panes does not rhymed with stained. Nor does sheets rhyme with teeth. Etc......I would spend some time trying to use words that actually rhyme so the piece flows better.
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Now you have me worried about it...boo. I will spend some time talking to this piece to see if we can reach an agreement...but it's been pretty stubborn so far lol.
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Yeah...I'll admit I rely on slant rhyme entirely too much lol. My rationalization is that even Shakespeare used slant rhyme.
Sonnet #5
Then were not summer's distillation left
A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass,
Beauty's effect with beauty were bereft,
Nor it nor no remembrance what it was.
Yes, I'm just rationalizing at this point lol.
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