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Heart Cries - Rondeau

 

This heart cries out, to stay or leave

Answer soon I hope to achieve.

Like seasons, our love did change,

Your kiss, your touch now seem so strange.

     Your words of love I can’t believe.

 

Your promise of love to retrieve,

Now this pain I hope to relieve.

My broken heart I now exchange,

     This heart cries out.

 

Now our love you did deceive,

Painful lies you tried to conceive.

My life did you so disarrange,

Two hearts forever to be estranged,

Love left now only to grieve.

     This heart cries out.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

#3-Rondeau Form

Option A

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • parntsoftwins
    December 10, 2007

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    I love the flow of this with the rhyme, well done. You wrote a straight to the point poetry which I love. I am not one for the huge vocabulary metaphorical pieces. Thank you for entering this in the contest. I do hope your heart has healed over this sad loss and heartbreak.


    • freespirit51
      December 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      parntsoftwins

      Thanks for the kind words on this piece. I am glad it touched you in some small way.


  • BonaFidePoet
    December 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    The repetitiveness works here. I love hwo you said your idea. Very nice work here. Great job!


    • freespirit51
      December 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      liMissFeisty

      Thanks for your kind words. glad you enjoyed the poem.


  • masky
    November 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oooh! I subscribe to the list of people that got inspired by you! Before I say anything else, I want to THANK YOU, because I found the contest page through this poem...the rounds contest, you know? And seeing all those forms, after reading your poem, just got me inspired to write using the Rondeau form as well(don't worry, I am no copy cat ). Also, when I first read it, I would've suggested some syllable removal for rhythm reasons, but seeing it's a Rondeau...well, it's great. Also, I like the way you chose the topic of the poem - France is, after all, the country of love, isn't it? (If I got it right, Rondeau is of French origin...but this isn't the point!)
    AS FOR the actual poem!
    I have to start by telling you what stanza is my favorite (seeing it's a strict form, I can't comment on rhyming, or such )...therefore, I present you stanza 3!
    "Now our love you did deceive,

    Painful lies you tried to conceive.

    My life did you so disarrange,

    Two hearts forever to be estranged,

    Love left now only to grieve.

    This heart cries out."
    Ah, you know, it brought some memories back to me. "My life did you so disarrange,/Two hearts forever be estranged"-these 2 lines captured all my feelings.
    The refrain was very well chosen- I have to say something about the title, though!! I read the poem once or twice before I commented, and you know what got stuck in my head? "This heart cries out"! The refrain. I think it would do well as a title, don't you?
    Leaving that apart, amazingly written poem, in such a difficult form(NOW I can tell it's difficult, after I've tried it, lol!)!
    Congratulations on this beautiful poem, thank you for entering it in my contest, and good luck! (In the rounds contest as well!)

    • freespirit51
      November 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      masky

      Thanks so much for your very interesting and wonderful critique. I am so pleased you enjoyed it. I agree with your idea for the titile change. I never thought of changing it once I posted it. I will probably change it once the contests are over. I don't want to confuse any judges.


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    November 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent, Great Write i wish you the best of luck in the contest

  • xTomorrowx
    November 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderfully written poem, I love reading most form poetry, unfortunately I haven't written much of it so I'm really not very good at it myself...
    But this is a great poem, thanks heaps for entering and good luck =)
    Preliminary finalist


    • freespirit51
      November 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      searching4tears

      Thanks for your terrific words my friend I am so glad you enjoyed it.


  • Florida Sunshine
    November 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your form is well done~ & it was an excellent choice for the poem. ~ The write does touch my heart~ it was sad, but beautifully said! ~~~ Overall you did a wonderful job!

    Congrats on making it to round 3 ~ good luck to you...

    P.S. I just read your comments~ Look at how your piece has inspired others~ that alone should make you feel all warm & fuzzy inside~ VERY nice.

    • freespirit51
      November 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      M Harrison

      Thanks so much for your very inspiring words. I really enjoyed writing this form style and each one becomes easier. I find after a while I speak in 8 syllable phrases...lol... Thanks for the P.S.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    November 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent!

    This is fabtastic! I didn't fully understand this form until I read this, you make it seem so easy yet I know it isn't. Its heart wrenching in places I think many will relate to this. Best of luck to you in this round


    • freespirit51
      November 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      pinktat

      Thanks for reading. I am glad you enjoyed this piece. It is always a challenge to write form poetry.


  • Ithica silver member
    October 31, 2007

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    I am really starting to like this form of poetry! After tonight I might have to take a whack at this! I can really feel the heartbreak in this poem. (especially at THIS moment) You have done well portraying these emotions. Good luck with your entry!

    • freespirit51
      October 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Ithica

      Thanks for your wonderful words. If you write one let me know I would love to read it. It is easy to write this, When you live with this decision everyday.


  • arafura gold member
    October 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    a heart cries...

    Beautiful... but very sad my friend. I think you did a great job with this. Well done! Good luck in the contest!

    • freespirit51
      October 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      arafura

      Thanks my friend. i am glad you liked it. I only follow the old rule in writting: WRITE FROM WHAT YOU KNOW. I live this problem now everyday, and hope to soon remedy it. Thanks again.


  • jcat gold member
    October 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well honestly I don't know enough about Rondeau's to be able to comment on the style but as far as the content goes I think it is beautifully written and I really enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest.


    • freespirit51
      October 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      jcat

      Thanks so much for your great words. I am glad you enjoyed it.

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