They meddle and they mix, to make your life better, but little do they know, that with each and every letter; they tear down this castle made of cards so no longer can the bards, boldly sing their song, and write of heroes, long since gone.
I can tell you the exact location, date and time, in which these bastards committed their crime; Every the little detail of how they savagely beat my mind, and left me for dead in this room for you to find.
It’s a day of mourning, a day to remember, such a cold lonely day in late September. Missed chances from the past come back to haunt me, gentle whispers return to taunt me. Today’s the day I run away, with Ethyl and her surgeons. Today’s the day I run away, to save you from infections.
So let me hide my desires in the woods for you to find, I'll leave clues scattered within your heart and mind. Before the day is done, before the setting sun; you'll come to understand this was just for fun. You'll come to understand why there are no names. You'll come to understand my reason for these games.
And it surprises me that for now you don't have a clue, when I longingly stare back at you, talk to me about what you want, it doesn't matter at all; it's more than enough to hear the notes of your pretty voice fall. Oh you, you're everything I need, oh you, you make me bleed; and bleed I will into your heart, though it had better been soon or I'll fall apart.
A contest entry
- for truly talented poets and those who desire to be better by a gothic romance.
475 points, ended November 8, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One Whole Year by Death of the Author.
600 points, ended November 13, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1 - Prewrites by xTomorrowx.
450 points, ended November 5, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING YOU WANT!! by Freestyle Bushido.
300 points, ended November 9, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bring It All by Simply Simple.
1800 points, ended February 26, 2008, 120 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want You To Tell Me A Story. by SliptheFlitch.
500 points, ended May 8, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me something. by morgana raven.
900 points, ended December 30, 2008, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wow. insanely awesome! I loved it. This makes it a bit more difficult to judge, heh. Thanks for entering, serious.
~Slip~
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I think it would make this easier to read if you separated the lines. It was quite a headache to decipher. I loved the work behind the formath though. It was amazing. Anyway... This was a beautiful piece of work. However, I do request you put your Author's Name in your Author's Notes. Thank you
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very intresting piece you penned here, the format or presentation was alittle odd for me when reading it, but I enjoyed this write. Thank you for entering.
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Thanks
As always, I thank anyone for the comment on my work. Though may I ask (and this goes to anyone who has commented similar to this) what is it about the layout/format that's odd? I guess to me it's pretty average, but I have seen a lot written in this style by people I know...So I'm not too sure what's wrong (for lack of a better word) I'm willing to believe there's something about it, otherwise so many people wouldn't agree. Though it's something I can't see. Any suggestions? -
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In response to your response I suggest you write it out with each rhyme being a line break
They meddle and they mix, to make your life better
but little do they know, that with each and every letter
Like so, it'll be easier to read and thus flow better. I think the way it is set out is kind of offputting.
I hope that helps
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This is great, I really like it, I agree with the below comments as well though, perhaps it could be set out a bit better but I won't hold that against you in this contest...
Thanks for entering this and good luck in my contest! =)
Preliminary finalist -
By the way I just checked out your "home page" and saw you were quite new here. Welcome to Allpoetry, I hope you enjoy you time here
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I like this...I agree with the comment below, that maybe you should revise how it is set out on the screen, but other than that there's nothing wrong here, in my opinion.
Good luck in my and the other contests.
Thanks for entering and take care x -
i absolutely love this.
i can only recommend playing around with the way it's written out on the screen.
the only semi-flaw i found was that some rhymes were too repetitive. the same sound was used too much, i hope you understand.
there is a slight confusion in this between the first paragraph and how it relates to you, but i still feel that overall this is a great piece.
i think you'll be able to stretch your talents further to become an extremely powerful writer.
thank you for entering -
Lovely rhythm. Very good.
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Thanks
...title says it all really...but again, thanks! ☺
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