The smell of you lingers like the sweet sent of roses.
I'm tired of being here in solitude!
Waiting for you to walk back through that door that closes,
But you took my beating heart and destroyed it you screwed.
Your fierce but gentle eyes pierced my lonely heart
And images of what we had fight a battle with painful new ones.
Glass memories of a pretend happiness break like fragile works of art.
I tried so hard, perhaps too much, I made you walk out when you were done.
Now we cross paths, day after painful day and you look at me like you're mad.
See, I know you're not happy with your new FUCKING whore! but you're too stubborn to admit it!
I see your face, angst, sorrow and longing for what we had,
But FUCK you, you walked out and I'm done being hurt. It's your turn to be alone you FUCKING SHIT!!
Author notes
If the cursing isn't allowed DQ it
A contest entry
- The Best Ever: For REAL poets ONLY by TheLostGirl.
450 points, ended November 10, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Magical Word of F*ck :) by ultimate beluga.
450 points, ended November 14, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Vulgarity in Poetry - adults 18+ ONLY, please by ellipsist.
600 points, ended November 21, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my honorable mention or trophyless by leander.
400 points, ended December 4, 2007, 86 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hmm... pure, raw, raging emotions you have here. I like how it goes from pain (from the broken heart) to anger.
Weird how some people just... are too stubborn to admit they've made a wrong decision actually
Very well written, and thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
it was poetic up until the vulgarity... there is a lack of punctuation between "destroyed it" and "you screwed" that makes me unsure of how to interpret that line and wonder if the wording of that portion of the piece should be phrased differently?
I would strongly recommend editing the portion that contains vulgarity as that portion is quite literal for my tastes... you are free to ignore this suggestion, as this is your poem, but I don't think that the phrasing of the final stanza flows well with the rest of the piece... keep the four letter words, perhaps, and consider changing the phrasing of the words surrounding them? -
The last line was kind of funny, whether or not it was real or fake. I enjoy poems that have a lot of emotion in them, and this was one of them. I think the spelling in this was really good and all caps being used in the FUCK words really shows that you have a lot of emotions towards this person.
Keep up the great work, Leslie. I look forward to many more pieces of your poetry. I think you're obviously very talented. I'll be reading more soon. -
hey this is cool, like your editing work! the only thing that wasnt the best i think was the exclamation marks in the first two stanzas, but the !'s you used in the last stanza rocked. this is great!
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umm ok this is very angry and thats not a bad things its just I feel like if I were him these words wouldnt mean anything it would be like your just nagging me, I can see that you are a very good poet and I would love if you could try to make me listen. The rhyme I feel was forced a bit but I think the intension was to be fierce and what I got was anger without a purpose, make me listen make me hear wht you specifically are saying make me him and make me want to beg you to come back. Thats just only if you want to still be in my contest I dont mean to be harsh its just I see some excellent potential and I swear to you rhyming is not a problem if you rhyme then thats fine just make it extraordinary good write and thank you for entering.
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What a great entry in the contest
best of luck to you
Delila
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