Visual Pain
Tears drip like prisms.
Rainbows across my face.
Oceans giving life.
Flooding waters renewing.
Visual pain.
Blood drips like tears.
Crimson stains on my skin.
Oceans drowning the world.
Flooding waters tearing away.
Visual pain.
What did you think
Comments
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"Tears drip like prisms."? Prisms drip?
"Blood drips like tears." They're both liquids... they should sort of drip the same way.
"Crimson stains on my skin." -- Argh. The previous reviewer thinks this is brilliant. For the life of me I can't see anything beyond ordinary here.
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I was reading your review on wbiro's rollercoaster poem where I found considerable merit in your arguments. The "sex/inanimate object" metaphor HAS been used a lot, and I appreciated your suggestion to give the poem alternating fast and slow sections of rhythm to give the work a rollercoaster feeling.
Your insightful critique instilled me with high expectations for your poetry, but after reading your three most recent entries, well, I'm slightly disappointed. My hope for your poetry would be 1.) to see you tap a richer source of vocabulary, and 2.) to see you explore more meaningful themes.
In light of your more complimentary reviewers, you can view your efforts in a positive light, but I think you have a lot more to offer than the small sampling I've seen. -
"Blood drips like tears
Crimson stains on my skin"
That is just pure brilliance. I love it. Yet another amazing creation. I really am feeling the soul in this poem. Excellent job. It's different in it's own way, but it catches your attention -
It is distant, but yet so distinct. I like it! You did an amazing job with this poem, and hopefully you will continue to do so in the future. It is defiently original!
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Oh I like this it seems to be more of a struggle with SI Thank you for sharing this wit me.Best wishes and much love
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