You love the taste
of coffee, but I
only drink the smell
on those early
vanilla mornings
when the frost needs
to be melted by something
with more energy than
we have left. Your face
in morning light
is a map to Arabia,
and the camels are still lost
in our mountains and valleys,
dropping rich beans
on a trail into new suns.
Your slow smile
could brighten a midnight,
but this morning
your chest remains
uncaffeinated
and the bottoms of my
creamy feet
remain the color of
black coffee.
Author notes
Honestly, just be honest. And tell me what needs improvement.
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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You know, I know theyve offered you reasonable advice about stanzas and line breaks and such, but to me the content is what matters, Its nice when you just flip from poem to poem because theyre all too long or to flowery and verbose and you just slide into one that with no preconceived notion you just like how the words sound. Thats how i feel about this one.
Sometimes when it comes out of you like this, although you know what is formally correct, to change it only improves it for the analysts in my opinion , and detracts from the feel.
So they may be right, but fuck em, ....
sorry Im a little
blunt
at times
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*laughs* Be blunt all you want. Poetry is mostly about opinions, and you're certainly allowed to have yours with the rest of them.
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excellent imagery for this piece. I really enjoyed it in that aspect. I also really liked the first stanza, they were beautiful words and wonderfully written.
Overall, a great piece!
Cheers!
S -
I like this poem, playful and endearing, the image of lost camels an early morning winner.
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Thanks!
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Great write.... I love how you have use the imagery in comparison, taking simple things while, allowing your readers to view.. I love this ending "but this morning
your chest remains
uncaffeinated
and the bottoms of my
creamy feet
remain the color of
black coffee."
Thank you for allowing the reading of your piece.
best of luck with all your penning.
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Done in a light mood. Nicely written!
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very good
I love the image of drinking smell
and the botoms of your creamy feet
and the lost camels are a great touch too
it all creates a wonderful atmosphere
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lovely.
this was nice; simple and light. coffee is kind of my life, hence why I was so drawn to this piece.
anyway, back to the poem itself. I absolutely loved the last stanza as well as the lines,
"You love the taste
of coffee, but I
only drink the smell" beautiful.
the line breaks in this piece seem completely random and throw off the flow completely. line breaks are usually meant to emphasize certain ideas and words to enhance poem's meaning and to express the author's intention. the line beaks executed here do next to nothing to accomplish any of that, at least that's how i felt.
take those first few lines, for example,
"You love the taste
of coffee, but I
only drink the smell" read it aloud to yourself. it doesn't sound very good.
Now try something like this:
"You love the taste of coffee
but only drink
the smell" Better?
Play around with this. I think this poem has a great deal of potential. The words are there, you just have to make them flow.
Axel Gold
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Silly line breaks have been eluding me lately. lol. Good suggestions and great advice. Thanks for stopping by!
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Well, very interesting imagery here. I felt that the images were a bit random and not really flowing together. By that I mean that the lines are really good, but the overall impression at the end is a little confused. This may not be helped by the (seemingly) random form, lack of punctuation and some odd line breaks and uneven stanzas for no apparent gain or reason. Maybe I've missed something here. I found myself wondering about this, rather than enjoying what you'd actually written!
Some bits are execptional though. The simplicity of "dropping rich beans
on a trail into new suns.
Your slow smile
could brighten a midnight," is great. I would attempt a re-write around that. Hey presto, your poem has spawned a new poem!
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I really love your unique style of poetry my dear. This is good.
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Thanks. Sorry this contest didn't pan out...there's always next time!
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No one seems to want to enter this. I am going to give it until tonight. If there are no more entries I will delete the contest and send you some points.
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Excellent!! Beautifully crafted!
Excellent you have woven a wonderful, delightful tapestry of words surely, as graceful as silken ribbons the flow here is amazing Well done poet!! Two thumbs up
Wishing you much success in all of your endeavors
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on a trail of new sun
in a trail of new sun
just playin here...still really like this piece.
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I ask for honest comments myself. I appreciate that you do as well. I actually have only one suggestion...
dropping rich beans
in a trail into the new sun.
maybe 'on a trail' instead of in. Not sure it just tripped me a bit. Other than that I truly enjoyed the piece. I love coffee...just not black...lol. -
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Hehe, I actually hate coffee...though I love the smell. I have been rethinking that line...we'll see if it changes.
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