Clothed chaos clings to child's aching breast
As all the world's weight hath laid its claim
Famine, tribulation come a'callin'
And helplessness hath answered yet again
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Chorus:
We shall not let complacency now linger
It seems the world adopts it as its own
Its children and its legacy still seemingly
I fear that they've made apathy their home
-------------------------
The pain of hunger ebbs a little friend
As triumph comes in form of rotten bread
A bed of mud and brambles for a pillow
Rot is your raiment dirt hath crowned your head
-------------------------
Chorus:
We shall not let complacency now linger
It seems the world adopts it as its own
Its children and its legacy still seemingly
I fear that they've made apathy their home
-------------------------
You smile till you're far too weak to smile
The beauty of your land beyond compare
Yet still we stop and silently we wonder
How many worthy souls hath perished there
--------------------------
Chorus:
We MUST not let complacency now linger
It seems the world hath claimed it for its own
Its children and is legacy is rotting
I fear that they've made apathy their home
Author notes
All written within about 5 minutes. I was inspired both by the picture and by a film I had just seen.
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt by Freestyle Bushido.
450 points, ended October 31, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
‘Weight of the World’
I understand your title is meant to draw the readers attention, however, this as many poems here seems rather…not fit to your writing style. Perhaps something less bound in emotion is required?
‘Clothed chaos clings to child's aching breast’
Repetition of the letter “c” is well versed in this line, however, it seems a little forced and contrary to what it seems, it might be a bit prolonged.
‘Famine, tribulation come a'callin' ‘
Your last term here “a’callin’” does match the style you have begun this poem in..
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Chorus:
‘We shall not let complacency now linger’
“Complacency” perhaps is not the term you are looking for, a new, more graceful term might be in hand.
‘It seems the world adopts it as its own
Its children and its legacy still seemingly
I fear that they've made apathy their home’
And? You’ve provided me with an incomplete thought here, what is next? What is being portrayed?
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‘The pain of hunger ebbs a little friend
As triumph comes in form of rotten bread’
You have given me a forced rhyme here.
‘A bed of mud and brambles for a pillow’
“mud” is an inadequate term to describe this feeling, what are you really going after?
‘Rot is your raiment dirt hath crowned your head’
‘You smile till you're far too weak to smile’
Repetition of smile is perhaps not as forceful as you assumed it would be
‘Yet still we stop and silently we wonder’
One syllable too long.
Your poem is plagued by the lack of incomplete thought and punctuation, it hinders what the reader can take from your meaning.
However, from those stanzas and lines that did possess the thought and the potency, I say to you, bravo, for they show the potential of an excellent writer to come.
Well Done
A.S.
-
very heart wrenching write, it was dark and brutally honest, I love the vocabulary in this piece. Excellent work thanks for entering.
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