Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

the vulnerable verse

" I want to dance "
What ! She thought : he's lusting, he's weary of being alone.
Or maybe he sees her, listens to her, wants her around, enjoys her for her.
No, forms in her head ; he doesn't even know me !
He's smiling at her, as the music plays

Author notes

commented on poem :
http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/100291-Ernest-Hemingway-Shock-Troops

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • SerenityNChains gold member
    March 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ah yes. This is a well known scene that could be played on both sides of the gender fence! Too well throughout the ages the game of cat, and mouse, have been played. So many losers. However the winner gets to wear a Chesire Cat's grin! So wonderful in so few words!

    Blessed be,
    Billie Jean


  • rufina caraid gold member
    October 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think perhaps he gets his dance!  He's smiling as the music begins which tells me she hasn't called him a jerk (or worse) and has not turned her head away - he's in with a chance and she is too. The opening line give a structure to what follows. I enjoyed this - I feel that it could be built on and made into a real story - using your own puctuation then of course Thanks for your entry.   Von


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
    October 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Not sure what your trying to say with this one, but what I get from it is.
    He wants to dance and he just wants a dance partner. Not nessicarily someone to bed that night.
    Us women always jump to conclusions, i.e. judge the book by the cover.
    We push them away before they have ven had a chance to show they just want a dance , a moment in time to enjoy our company and to enjoy the music/dance.

    I have learnt there a many guys out there who are there just to have fun while there, dance and meet people, that they arent nessicarily saying Hi, just to get their end goal of bedding you.

    Even if it isn't what you were saying. I love this write. Maybe the flow of it could be work on, breaking it up more, could give it more strength

    Otherwise it is a skillfully written piece
    thanks for the read


  • freespirit51
    October 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is an interesting poem my fellow poet. It is very confusing as well. Possibly the structure can be better planned and the punctuation is also adding to the confusion. Not exactly sure what you are trying to say....Sorry


    • motel silver member
      October 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      the poem is confusing - the structure is dictated by the contest and the subject matter adds to the confusion. it's completely intentional. the woman is so freaked out by his vulnerability, she thinks it's a con. however, she stills has a sliver of hope. thanks once again for your comment.

  • luvdrkchocolate
    October 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh. This is a real interesting poem that you have written here. It is short but I think that I get what's going on in it. Like maybe it's two people at a gathering or a party or something and she likes him but maybe he's only interested in her body? I don't know. That's my best guess. The puncuation was confusing though. I don't really understand what it's supposed to mean?

    • motel silver member
      October 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      sorry that the punctuation was confusing but it was dictated by the contest. the poem is really about the man being vulnerable and the woman being thrown completely off. she thinks that this guy can't possibly be real but is torn because she is attracted to him. the question is, what is the appropriate amount of time before one says how one feels - a week, a month, a year ? thank you for your comment.

1 - 7 of 7