i'll scrape broken glass over your shredded skin,
and if you think thats bad.. just wait till i start.
i'll bring up every little thing you've ever feared,
the sadness,
the anger,
your emotional pain of all your years, you'll relive it all
put fear into your heart.. and then the physical pain will start..
see those digits?
there's twenty there..
ten fingers, ten toes,
one for every secret you are going to spill
as i 'snap' them,
do you know why you are going to tell me those secrets?
because they are all getting snapped,
you just get to keep them attached to you if you tell me.
next to go, I'm cobbling you,
see, you can't run with broken ankles.
no escape from the fun, well my fun.. I'm going to enjoy this....
....but don't worry, I'm not going to kill you.
i'm crueler than that, I'm going to make it so you do it
I'm no killer, i love your pain too much
call me sadistic...
...please i love it when you call me that
A contest entry
- Sick and Twisted 9 by Acidanthra.
600 points, ended November 6, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
hmm dark
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This poem is far too blunt. The most chilling poetry allows the reader to gather their own images, but this is not chilling, really. It's quite undeveloped and a lot of it seems to be quite unnecessary...for example,
'do you know why you are going to tell me those secrets?
because they are all getting snapped.'
These two lines are not really needed, because you have already detailed that they will be snapped. The last line of the poem indicates that the narrator of this poem requires gratification. It would be interesting if you went into why they do it, made the words a little more poetic...it is a poem, after all.
You also have a number of spelling and grammatical errors, and the format of the poem is quite sporadic and jerky. I do think that with a few improvements, this poem could be quite good, so please don't waste your potential.
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Sadistic indeed!
I much like this! I was in this contest as well I think the gold was well deserved though that other guy or girl was pretty awesome. *Not discrediting yours* I wanted to say that I think you should have gotten a trophy as well this is a very good piece mine wasn't gory enough well there wasn't much blood but it was really nice lol.
Much respect and I wish to be able to write as well some day XD
~Kimber
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Hmmm, what brought me to look at this poem was the interest in seeing how you handled the subject. While it does the trick of getting your point across and of creating a chararcter, I feel it falters a little in actually effecting the reader. If you are going to take on this type of poetry it needs to take the reader into the body of the tortured person, or of the torturer, otherwise it misses the effect of making us go ..wow...that is fucking intense.
I am no expert and I dont write this kind of poetry, but it is what I feel.
I congratulate you on taking on this challenge though and wish you the best. -
Um..... wow.
Not really sure what to say.
Not sure if that's good or bad, either
I think you could be a little less, well, blunt with your imagery. Poetry is about the use of words, use them well. And if you aren't the world's greatest speller, I suggest downloading firefox (comes with auto-spell check) or taking advantage of the spell checker AP provides. -
bloody hell...
well, okay. very powerful indeed. Emotive, also. I'm a bit too shocked to say much else, don't worry, that's a compliment, it means that it was a very... frame-of-mind altering piece. very good, well done.
ELW
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beautiful
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Hey....Ok, I'm going to say this nicely, and hopefully you won't hunt me down and torture me (scared sheepish smile) You really need to work a bit on your spelling. In the first line, you have two misspellings - 'scrap' for 'scrape' and 'sredded' for 'shredded.' And I have to tell you, and I mean this constructively, normally when I go to read a poem and the first line has a spelling mistake that could EASILY have been corrected with a simple spell check, I stop reading. If a poem is riddled with misspellings (and I counted five) it tells me that that poet just rushed to get something out and doesn't really care about her/his work. If THEY don't care enough to take the time to correct these things, why on earth should I care?
So I'm sorry, but this really killed the poem for me. -
WOW
I think this is an awesome write. though I of course like morbid stuff, not to mention cruel. the imagery is excellent all through this write. you captured the feeling of fear, so well. I love these last lines;
no escape from the fun, well my fun.. im going to enjoy this....
....but dont worry, im not going to kill you.
i'm crueler than that, im going to make it so you do it
im no killer, i love your pain too much
call me sadistic...
...please i love it when you call me that
again you did an awesome job.
Kat
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:(
erm... not quite sure what to say on this one dear...
dark for sure, and sadisitic... a wee bit of a understatement.
its good, i like it, excpt tonight, im sleeping with my light on....
xxx sky -
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lol
not a fan of this one then hun? lol hope you're ok anyways -freedom of soul-
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