Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

can you feel me

How fast can this treadmill go?
The one named tedium and hurt.
Seems I've been running to stay
status quo
for a millennium.

Can you feel me?

 

Just once I long to feel winds.

Without having them scour me raw   

windblown, blind left bleeding.

Frustrated

beyond measure.

Can you feel it?

 

What does this existence want?

I'm constantly pressured to give.

Self is repeatedly cleaved.

Granulated,

scattered like sand.

Can you find me? 

 

 

Need joy, fresh air and lightness. 

Open spaces, warm sun to grow,

into the me I want to embrace.

Wholeheartedly

with dignity.

Can you see me?

 

 

 

Author notes

i don't usually use punctuation in my writes. An affectation i know, but those who read me regularly know this. peace and joy Desi> ( i also almost always do not capitalize my i's when it's a personal pronoun...well usually i don't capitalize LOL. i can if needed for the challenges. :)..... me again...i was helped by a friend who reminded me we're also being judged on grammaaah(LOL), so i tweaked and revised and now it reads like a new piece..hmmm(wondering if adding more grammer to her writes would help.... we shall see...

 

In a list

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Lone Wolf 97
    January 7
    Edit | Reply
    I understand now and by the Gods … I love you…


  • Lone Wolf 97
    November 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Telling?

    Why have you forsaken me? I sit alone in the darkness of your absence and wonder what it is I have done to be treated as any other. A word would be nice… I am saddened by these days of being an outcast and not knowing why… I pass the time alone in a shadow world waiting for the clouds to part, hoping there is still a Sun...


  • luckynsincere
    November 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great work here. I think that trista hit all the spots I had noted earlier. I would have liked to have seen a bit more in aspects of metaphors and so forth... some of your wording was captivating in spots, and felt weaker in others...hmmm... a bit... "unsteady" for the lack of a better word to use.

    Your score from me is: 94

    Keep it up.... this shows a great deal of talent.

    Always,

    Mel


  • trista gold member
    October 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    For not generally using punctuation in your poetry, you've done a great job with it. I never used to, either...partly out of laziness, but mostly because I just wasn't comfortable with it. I hope you'll find your writes are improved and read a little easier, but if not it's an easy enough fix to go back to the old way. A few little things I might have done differently, but just a couple main ones I will point out, along with spelling:

    i’ve (I’ve) [Your choice on this one, though I really prefer to see it capped]
    millenium (millennium)
    existance (existence)
    “Just once I long to feel winds. (comma)
    (w)ithout having them scour me raw"

    "How fast can this treadmill go? (comma)
    (t)he one named tedium and hurt." (question mark)

    The personal feel to this is wonderful. It gives me a great depth of feeling. Your 2 opening lines pulled me in immediately and made me take notice. Like Bear, I was waiting for the "Aha" moment that never came, yet it's a poem that I feel will leave a good lasting impression in my mind.

    Good luck in the challenge, and thanks so much for sharing something so personal.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.

    • trista gold member
      October 31, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Just stopping by to see your changes. Nice job.

      ~J.


  • Shakes-spear
    October 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    If it was easy everyone would have it all

    Life is funny how it works and if you let it work you, it wins most of the time. We find ourselves accepting what it gives and not taking what we want.
    Look for the bright side to things and stay away from the dark side. Things look better in the light! This write is full of feeling and I can relate to all that you said. Keep your chin up. I feel you and I love ya! The Shaker


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Good day Poet ~

    naked,..blind  (too many spaces there)

    OK....as far as what Wolfe was/is saying.....I, too, am a Nutt when it comes to trying to read literature without proper punctuation.....including CAPS in proper places.....HOWEVER....I know each Poet has their own style, so this is not going to be a problem for me......yet :)

    Not sure what the *blind & bleeding has to do with this Theme ~

    Maybe you were trying to *Show*, more than *Tell*?

    I did enjoy the personal Tone you placed upon this entry....as you gave us a focal point.........but..... no Ahaaa moment ~

    The Ahaaa moment is crucial when attacking such a strong topic as *Self*

    I also, would have liked to have seen this entry a weeeee bit longer.....it's fine as it stands....but I like to hear things....I like to search your thoughts....I like to dig into you Inkwell and see where your magic comes from ~

    In the next Round....pleeeease do not hold back....let your voice from inside be heard ~

    This was a very important Round for you......as it was for the Creativity and the Immunity Passes.....do you think this will earn either?

    We'll see?

    :)

    If you edit, please let me know, and I'll  take another look at it....it would be my pleasure,

    Be well,

    Bear ~


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    October 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Desi,

    First let me say that this is very good and very personal. As with all your writes I did enjoy this.

    However, and I must say this as it is very crucial with every one of your entries into this challenge.

    Spelling, punctuation and capitalizations are a BIG MUST, MUST, MUST.......

    It would be a shame to see your wonderful writes, not recieve the scores that they should, because you did not so this.

    Feel free to make any changes before this round closes, however, I ask that you hold off on that until all judges have read and sent you their comments.

    ~Brother K~


  • Girl With Guitar silver member
    October 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Weren't you 43 a little while ago? Sorry I just noticed lol.

    I love this. It doesn't matter so much with the punctuation when it's poetry like this 'cause for me it gives more to the frantic treadmill feel. I can absolutely relate. Luck with the challenges that you speak of

    Luffers you Aunt Desi

1 - 11 of 11