She looks at him with love
He looks at her with desire
She finds nothing but content
He sees nothing but fear
She doesn't know that he has lied
He fears what she will do
She falls for another
He cowers in a corner
She says it's over with tears in her eyes
He begs and pleads for her not to go
She saw the lies and didn't confront them
He saw his worst fears come to play
She asked him to leave her alone
He can't bring himself to tell her
She knew what he did
He wanted to explain
She couldn't trust him
He didn't know why
She wanted the truth
He asked for the chance
She knew what was coming
He told her what happened
She screamed when she had the whole truth
He went back to his corner
She runs out and never looks back
He knew what he did was wrong
She ran into the arms of another
He stayed wondering what could've been
She sees him one last time
He tells her he's sorry
She won't believe him
He wants another chance
She tells him there's only once
He knew then that it was all over
She was happy again
He couldn't believe that he did it again
She smiles with her new lover
He cries knowing that it was all over
Be honest and tell me what you think.
Comments
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Yes, perhaps a breakdown into stanzas might work, although I read fine as is. I also like this idea of reporting both sides of the story without using direct speech. It reveals a structure that will be familiar to anyone who has been in this situation. I also like the link early on between his desire and fear.
Well done. -
your idea of telling both sides of a story in one poem is good. in keeping with that concept you might consider breaking the poem into stanzas to emphasize both sides.
I think you've spelled the title wrong... 'despiar' should be 'despair'.
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better each read
the concept is really good but it's a bit hard to read all together, it'd have more impact if you spaced it out a bit.
She looks at him with love
He looks at her with desire
She finds nothing but content
He sees nothing but fear
She doesn't know that he has lied
He fears what she will do
She falls for another
He cowers in a corner
She says it's over with tears in her eyes
He begs and pleads for her not to go
She saw the lies and didn't confront them
He saw his worst fears come to play
She asked him to leave her alone
He can't bring himself to tell her
She knew what he did
He wanted to explain
She couldn't trust him
He didn't know why
She wanted the truth
He asked for the chance
She knew what was coming
He told her what happened
She screamed when she had the whole truth
He went back to his corner
She runs out and never looks back
He knew what he did was wrong
She ran into the arms of another
He stayed wondering what could've been
She sees him one last time
He tells her he's sorry
She won't believe him
He wants another chance
She tells him there's only once
He knew then that it was all over
She was happy again
He couldn't believe that he did it again
She smiles with her new lover
He cries knowing that it was all over
you get the idea but if I'm wrong thats okay. I love the metaphorical corner he hides in and in the end where you repeat "it was all over" I think it works really well with the melancholy tone of the poem. okay! so that's that and I hope my comment helps, encourages, or whatever. in any case, keep writing!
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Thought provoking
This poem speaks to me. I like the contrast of it being not only about a woman who gets burned and finds the will to carry on...but also that of a man who makes a horrible mistake and the sadness and regret he feels when it sinks in that he lost something great.
The back and forth storytelling style helps drive this tale. It gives you a contrasting/comparative view of what is going on in both of their minds. It struck me that there was a breakdown of communication between the two, which only heightens the sense of a relationship spiraling downward fast.
The end result of this tale? For the woman, its a sense of hope and joy returning. For the man, its a sense of pain, but with that pain can come the ability to learn never to make such a horrible mistake again.
It's deep, heartfelt, and a very honest portrayal...very deep, very raw. I enjoyed this one quite a bit. Keep it up!
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