Toss the temper, the tedium and Trileptal.
As I wait for reprieve,
From the taunting and loitering
Of this pretty disease.
With apathy I stand here
adrift of memory and dreams.
My will so languid and woozy,
in a cold pool of static.
And Reverie.
As mad caustic thoughts,
reign over my body.
I'm waiting in still pools
of lamented feeling,
A perfectly terrorized will.
This fit is so desperate, malignant
Yet pretty.
As slow sullen pain,
rains over my body.
Faculty's left knotted
By fear, scars and mirrors.
Rapt in thoughts
Wrapped in memories,
And the erratic intrepid of better tomorrows.
Author notes
I REALLY WOULD LIKE SOME SERIOUS< CRITICAL REVIEWS OF THIS PIECE!! Thanks, kasey
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'option 2...and 1'
-StrangeAngel
A contest entry
- Emotional Leprosy by Acidanthra.
475 points, ended November 3, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - tell me what it is like to be bi-polar by Viyanna Rosemarie.
300 points, ended November 2, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - whatever II by leander.
575 points, ended November 16, 2007, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let The Sun Shine;;Or The Earth Cool, Happiness And Pain;; All The Same Game (The Best Of The Best) by HereComesTheSun.
575 points, ended August 12, 2008, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My first Contest - Need an AP Family by softest-whispers.
1700 points, ended March 6, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mental Illness by kissing the lipless.
475 points, ended April 18, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Forms/Dirty Pretty by the evil angel.
400 points, ended May 10, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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This is fascinating, the way you shaped this poem. The repetition of the word "pretty" feels kind of unnecessary so maybe you could replace that with another word. But in general, it's a very powerful poem and it's got some wondrous vocabulary to spice it up. Good job.
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Thank you for your entry ~Luce
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This is wonderfully written poetry, it is deep and metaphored and Luce could learn a lot from this
C
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i don't know how to comment on a poem that seems to go so over my head, yet strike me in the heart
but it's a beautiful poem....
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i cant give anything negitve great write and you are for sure a finalist :]
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wow. that's really amazing...
Beautiful use of imagery...
I really liked this peice.
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Congratulation on the Gold and Silver well deserved
Magnificent and moving write with such deep and sadness and with such deep truth of life:
"With apathy I stand here
adrift of memory and dreams.
My will so languid and woozy,
in a cold pool of static.
And Reverie.
As mad caustic thoughts,
reign over my body."
LISA
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How the hell do u get three words to read like 200! Very well chosen, really stunning! I love the picture you’ve put with it too, compliments the ambiance. Love it. x
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bravo
Arcane in the extreme, but nonetheless, pretty and highly poetic language here... deftly done poem and I enjoyed it muchly!... bravo... bravo... bravo.. -
You make great use of your wide vocabulary, and bring up words that I bet most people don't often even see. The format interested me as well, but what really intruiged me was the alliteration in the first line, since it seems to stand alone and there aren't any other lines like it afterwards. Also, you capitalized the word Reverie, and I was wondering if there was some sort of symbolism there? All in all, great job
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Hmm... I've been reading this a few times and honestly, could really discover one flaw that I'd like to point out, or just maybe - really maybe to say something - you have used the word 'reverie' two times. Seeing your splendid vocabulary, I dare to think it would not be so difficult for you to try and find something else to replace one of them with it...
But really, that's just something minor, but as you asked for real critical
Thank you for entering the contest - I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
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Thanks
I was thinking about it and you are right...that repetition of 'static and reverie' didn't need to be repeated. I changed it, I think the new line is pretty killer...but I'm still pondering it. Could be better, maybe....
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Creepy picture.
The vocabulary used is definitly great, and it doesn't majorly overpower the poem. Very well done and thank you for the entry. Congrats on the previous trophies and good luck in the current contests.
♥
Bandaid. -
"I'm waiting in still pools
of static and reverie,
A perfectly terrorized will.
This fit is so desperate, malignant
Yet pretty."
Amazing lines. So great. -
This is good! Really I like it!
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Amazing...
Lo-Amo!
And the picture fits the poem like coffee in a cup.
MMmmmm.
Salute!!! -
i would like to thank you very much for this entry into my contest for bi-polar awareness. i wish you well in this contest. viyanna rosemarie
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Wow! Thank you so much...
...my very first gold medal. I'm so glad this piece was able to speak to you so well. I am so happily surprised!
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nice entry, Im sure you will do well.
ephiphany
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Wow, this poem, I thought wouldn't be good at first, but you most certainly proved me wrong. Good job on this piece. I loved the lines Faculty's left knotted By fear, scars and mirrors. I just I love them. Good job and I wish you the best of luck in this contest.
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I am a BIG fan of illiteration ... I like how you opened with it , it really pulled me in .
I liked your wording , and also the way you chose to break the poem.
Nice Piece. -
This is really wonderful and I love how you started off with alliteration. There's a lot of emotion that shows through here. Wonderful job doll.
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"Toss the temper, tedium and Trileptal" really yanked me in. It was very animated and packed with emotion.. in just 8 words - nice.
"Heart" = a 9
"Soul" = I think you are diverting a bit.
Overall great direction.
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changed a few more things, got rid of the 'looks can kill' part. I'm really liking it now. Thanks for pushing me...
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Very nice so far. I particularly enjoyed your use of indentation and spacing. A static place of apathy is something that I think a lot of us can relate to.
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Thanks dear for sharing this with the group.
I'm assuming you chose this piece for
me to decipher if I agreed with the previous
remarks?
This was a good choice for just that.
Let me say that if the theme was centered
around scattered thoughts, then this was
perfectly arranged, as it was scattered.
As for the repitition of words, that was
unecessary. The fact that the poem was
erratically structured, lets us know that
the individual's thoughts were haywired, so
the repitition was a bit much and takes
away from the poem.
Also the line: "looks can kill"
as you can see, is throwing people off
as it seems the individual is
experiencing an emotional experience
versus physical as the last poet stated....
so when you suddenly come in with:
Looks can kill,
no one really knows that it refers
to an eating disorder, versus
the effects of bi-polar here.
But not to worry, as I've stated
this was a perfect example of
what we will be working
to improve in expressing yourselves
in poetry.
This does have good pointers.
~Inc."
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Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have going on in here.
The picture is very drawing to me and your poem was very dramatic. I got the feeling like the disease was mostly in your head than a physical one. Like maybe depression or something. I don't know. That's just my impression. I liked your use of spacing but I didn't understand why you were repeating some of your words. I didn't feel like you needed to. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself.
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Great write will read when your finish as well. Good luck with that.
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Amazing!
Ooo I can't give you any advice on what to put with this, this is beyond me here. Very nice though thought it was a great piece what really caught my attention were the lines "I'm waiting in pools
Of static and reverie,
A perfectly terrorized will.
This fit is so shiny, malignant
Yet pretty."
I hope to read more from you and I hope that you do finish this cause it's a great work in progress.
Good luck to you on this and can't wait.
Much respect,
~Kimber -
I understand the Trileptal is for seizures, and I understand most of the poem. However, I have read this numerouse times and have trouble understanding.....
"Looks can kill." ???
Maybe if you were less obscure here the message would be readily, or more, apparent. Just a thought. -
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Trileptal is mainly used to treat seizures, but in small dosages is used to treat Bipolar Disorder...which I have as a result of childhood epilepsy.
"looks can kill" refers to one of the subjects of the poem, which is eating disorders.
I am always obscure, vague, and illusive in my writing...thats just me.
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This is an excellent poem. You did a fantastic job with it. While I can kind of understand what Cat means about the scattered thoughts, there is a kind of order amidst the chaos. Mainly because I think that is what you meant to portray: a feeling of, as your put it, erratic.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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G'day StrangeAngel
I like this so far
I'll definitely be back to read when you complete it ... though I rather like it as is.
I love the layout you have done with this write as well
Excellent
Stay safe
~Amanda
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you are on to something here- lots of interesting ideas scattered throughout- i think the piece needs to be tightened up- eliminate some of the needless transitional phrasing-
a nicely done piece
m
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