I woke up yesterday wondering what to eat maybe i'd get myself a tasty treat. I walked past the mirror and what did i see, a person with cracks that was me!!! my face looked sliced and diced JESUS CHRIST! so i went to school anyway but it was a funny day, i went there because there's a boy i like who sits across from me, he spits at me and laughs in my face but i know he loves me, i'm a hopeless case, i had a mask on and he tore it off and then he turned to eddie mcgrough he screamed and panicked and ran away i will never forget that day, when later on i went to the store, i needed something, some kind of cure, i needed something to keep my head on, and i said "hey look it's revlon!"
A contest entry
- Shattered by Touchof1der.
500 points, ended November 2, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Pee by Cherokee.
300 points, ended December 2, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How was i?
Comments
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That's scary.
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If I might make just a minor suggestion here… it appears to me that it would perhaps improve your work a great deal if you were to tighten the lines a little. This is usually accomplished by tossing out any unnecessary words and shortening the lines. You have a thoughtful poem here and I really enjoyed it immensely I am thinking perhaps it just needs a wee bit tweaking is all. Thank you for sharing your words with me and best wishes to you in the contest. Keep that quill dipped in ink and ever ready for use.
♥ Touchof1der -
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thanks
thanks for the comment and suggesting what to do with my poem, i was worried you'd be angry that i made it funny.
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that is really amazing poetry however i would of set it out better i spose but its still effective as it is
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