we were gone
and it was on
the radio.
people didn't
believe in
magic or tragic
disappearances.
we were nobody.
the walls were
just like
mine with
nine small
differences;
each one
you plucked
from my
mouth.
you said it
wasn't good
to talk with
food
between my
fingers since
there was no
silverware.
the sheets
were messy
with our
germs,
and the
shower was
an artist
of a rape
scene.
I am nobody,
and you are
the mushroom
I shouldn't
have eaten.
Author notes
i find hotel rooms remarkably inspiring. Then again, aren't most germ-infested things?
In a list
A contest entry
- mushroom by hilly.
300 points, ended November 16, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is very strange but interesting. Abstract? I am trying to educate myself.
Congrats on gold trophy.
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Amazing. =]]
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I thought of Anberlin when I read the title.
"and the
shower was
an artist
of a rape
scene."
I don't know what to say about this, other than it stuck with me more than anything else. It is very odd, yet fits perfectly.
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I like this, but not as much as some of your other poetry. My thing is this; you let your poetry really manifest in the reader and become something different to everyone, but you guide them. I've always really loved that. But here, the story seems to start with one general underlying emotion and then get somewhere completely different. When it started, it felt just like two kids running off together, to me, y'know? But then there's all this about rape and how one of the two "kids" was a fungus. From the beginning, they both seemed like sunflowers, to me. The change was kind of abrupt, I guess. But I guess that, if the girls perception of the boy from the beginning was one way and then she was betrayed and violated by someone that she had every right to trust in the beginning, then that change in the poem was very well done. I guess the abruptness of it is my only problem. Well, but maybe the abruptness of the betrayal applies. In which case I've nothing to criticize. I think I've gone rambling...thanks for the entry.
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Um...yeah. I see what ya mean. I was misleading in the beginning. I'll try to work on that. Just know if it's something I wrote, it probably isn't about real, happy, love. lol I haven't had the joy/misfortune of feeling that yet. Thanks though, for giving me something to think about.
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I don't know why, but something about this gave me a chill...I think it was the stanza about the shower as an artist of a rape scene lol. That waas definitely the harshest part of this poem - almost too harsh for the rest of the tone, but maybe you're just trying to wake us up by then. I love the way your poetry continually surprises me, with great lines like talkinig with food between my fingers and "you are / the mushroom / I shouldn't / have eaten." Very different and very inspiring. I am not so sure you used the semicolon in stanza 4 correctly - a semicolon separates two complete sentences, and stanza 5 is an incomplete thought. You could get away with using a dash or a comma instead, I think, or you could try to fix the sentence structure of stanza 5. Or you could just tell me to shut up because it's your poem and you can do whatever you want to with it lol. Great job, nonetheless - I enjoyed it as always.
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i concur, amazing
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Extremely well done.
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Oh, and to answer your author's notes: yes.
Also, I loved the ending.
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great poem & great author notes. haha!
& it reminds me of an Anberlin song with the line, "When your only friends are hotel rooms, hands are distant lullabies... If I could turn around, I would tonight." egthiurg I think. It's been awhile since I've heard the song, but it used to be one of my favorites.
anyway, best of luck in the contest.
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