You always loved
the shape of my
lower lip,
especially when
it spoke the truth
in painted words.
I brushed my life
in blues and yellows
on the real canvas
of your imagination,
and let your tongue
taste the colors
on my mouth.
How could I
bring myself
to tell you
these truths
came through a
mask of
false lips?
Author notes
I always appreciate critiques more than simple praise. Please be honest.
- The Commenting Community group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Of truth, and Masks (PIF - Semi Quickie) by ParadoxFry.
700 points, ended October 27, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This poem had me in its grasp until the last line. The reuse of the word "lips" seems weak. Since mask implies falseness the wording was superfluous. "These truths came through a mask that hides my deceit"would have been more interesting. I also thought the short choppy lines could have been formatted in longer passages that did not force the reader to rush.
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I really like the idea behind this. It's never easy hiding behind a mask and having to reveal yourself, if you ever do. You did a good job here.
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This is amazing. The imagery you used to describe lips painted in lipstick is intriguing to say the least. Well done!
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How very true and it is has good flow and metre.
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Well, I kind of like it, which is coming from a form and rhyme person. But the thing that really ruins it for me is all this "painted words" stuff. The whole painting metaphor is so common. I think the idea is fairly original, but I think you could have a better more original metaphor or perhaps put some sort of new spin on the old one.
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Liked the brevity of the lines, the flow and the images created when one reads this. Suitable title that prepares us for the rest of the poem.
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i really like ur work...
i like ur symbolism through imagery- painted words-.taste the colors.
i just feel its better in this form-
You always loved the shape of my lower lip,
especially when it spoke the truth
in painted words.
I brushed my life in blues and yellows
on the real canvas of your imagination,and
let your tongue taste
the colors on my mouth.
How could I bring myself
to tell you these truths
came through a mask of
false lips?
so why its Inconsistencies??-
thnaks for shairng it and congrats #for ur green.. wish u more
abuyi
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Speaking truth through false lips isn't inconsistent enough? lol. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for commenting!
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Its very beautiful. i love the picture you set in my mind. It is ... just beautiful, calm and mysterious. Great. _nora
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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As I've told you before I'm very much into line breaks as a very powerful poetic device too, but then there needs to be pauses in a poem too - I guess that is why I sometimes have line breaks in my poem that seem to influence the smooth flowing of the poem. In this poem I kind of liked your short sentences as it goes with the title - the inconsistency. I've always loved the theme of truth and masks. A friend of mine always say that love makes us all hipocrysts (spelling?) and heros at the same time. I loved the twist at the end of this poem and the visuals and metaphors this poem offers the reader. A powerful delivery here - wonderful!!
~ Nicolette
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I think line breaks are my newest poetry demons lol. I haven't quite figured out yet how I like them - there are merits to many different lengths and styles. Guess I'll just have to play around a bit more... Thanks for stopping by!
Oh...I believe it's hypocrites.
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Well, you're in luck! I don't do simple praise!
It seems to me a bizzare trend, I've seen quite a bit of it lately. Taking fully formed sentances and paragraphs, and adding cairrage returns to make 'poetry'.
However, this is a bit different in that I am seeing this as a poem, just whith a whole slew of extranious line breaks.
In my opinion, each line in a poem should be a complete thought; or, it should stand alone as an exceptional phrase somehow.
I think that poetry is intended to be read aloud, and that the line breaks physically represent dramatic pauses in a spoken piece. Try that with this piece here, and see what the effect is.
Poetry isn't intended to be lifeless words on a page, it's intended to be spoken and musical, with a rhythm and flow. We represent these aspects of the poem using various methods, spacing and punction, for example. Word choice is also crucial, and yours is lovely.
I really like the images, and the thoughts and expressions.
I think that if you change the spacing, you'll have a piece that I can really enjoy, With the spacing as is, I find it really jerky, and un-pretty. -
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I always find it as a pleasant surprise when someone takes my author's notes to heart and actually comments on the piece. Thank you so much for being honest.
Line breaks are something I have been playing around with a lot lately, and my newest experiment has been the ways in which shorter lines place emphasis on specific words and phrases. I agree that it doesn't always lead to a very coherent whole, though lol.
I think poetry has always had some form of sentence structure in it, but I agree that I have seen more and more prose written as if it's poetry. And bland prose, at that lol. My theory on the matter is that the grammar is still necessary in poetry, but the reference of reality shifts. If that makes sense.
Oh - if I decide to play around with the line breaks again, should I wait until you've finished judging?
Thanks again!
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no, feel free. I'll take your edits into concideration at judging.
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