The things I keep
upstairs scare me,
especially on Sundays
in late January
when everything is
brighter and colder.
That basket
filled with last May
shouldn’t be so dusty yet,
and I don’t really understand
why all of the shades
are drawn or
the windows wet.
I keep the closet
down the hall locked
because it’s filled
with every time you
brushed my hair
or laughed in August.
The vase on the windowsill
holds dead peonies
and is leaking the kisses
we never shared
through a crack
the shape of your nose.
Author notes
As always, honest critiques make me giddy with happiness, no matter how harsh they sound.
A contest entry
- Copy Cat by FindingFaith.
300 points, ended October 31, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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The universal affect this has on the reader: the tales a room can tell, is an impressive one. They thought of the seperate pieces of the body being a room is ever more so impressive. I hate when people say this to me, but it flowed well. I didn't trip up once or wish you wouldn't have used a certain word instead of another. The poem has character, and that gives the reader automatic faith in the message. This was a welcome surprise. Love the title, it's what brought me in to read.
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i loved the flowing movement of this piece. the imagery of the poem rattled me. the title drove me to the edge of my seat, then i decided...what the heck, i'll read it! i'm glad i did! beauty captured on screen. the last stanza took it over the top...leaking with kisses....powerful lines within, however the part that stood out most! thanks for sharing your words.
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Picturesque title. Allows a variety of expectations before the poem is read.
For an abc poem it still manages to stand alone, even without the rules and picture. Good work. Glad you got silver in the contest.
The last stanza is humourous and poignant at the same time.
It is almost a stream of consciousness poem, yet deliberately crafted.
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the most unique and intriging title I have ever come across. The things we think we have packed away in our minds and locked away for good always leave a trail for us to follow back to them--like Hansel and Gretal. However sometimes don't you wish the witch had ate them??
Joe
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Great piece. I really like the imagery, which is not obvious (and the title's great) . The central idea is very powerful for me. Well done
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I liked this!
It was interesting read, to say the least. Your imagery is kind of uneasy (but not in a bad way), and I really like your extended metaphor.
If I could suggest a few changes, maybe you could put a comma at the end of line 4. Also, you begin line 7 with "That", which can probably just be "The". I'm not too sure what you were aiming for, though. Also, I noticed you use a lot of extraneous words, which can probably be omitted. The poem is short as it is, and not too wordy, but I think omissions of some words like "because" and maybe even some un-needed preopositional phrases.
Anyway, good job overall. And nice title, too.
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wonderful
great descriptions of lousy atmosphere
espceially loved the vase with peonies
and the kisses leaked through the crack the shape of the nose
wow that nose really got to me
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great poem good luck in the contest
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GREAT CONCEPT
Although, I personally would have titled it the "Attic Above My Eyes" because it seems to be describing all the things "tucked away" up inside your mind. But, it was the title that caught my attention nonetheless!!! Ms. Morrow
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Truthfully? My working title was Attic Behind My Eyes lol. But then I realized there was more to do with my mouth than my eyes in the poem... Anyways, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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awesome. i personally love the quirky details, like the "crack/ the shape of your nose," "the shades/... drawn or/ the windows wet."
the description is right on, especially how January is "brighter and colder." it's a common enough conceit, but you have executed it nicely. the title is certainly intriguing, but i feel the metaphor would be even stronger if only implied and developed in the poem rather than stated so explicitely from the very beginning. just a though.
in any case, nice work. this was fun to read. -
this has a pulse to it, a life.
the title is an eye-catcher and i just had to read it
this seems perfect as is
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I loved this. The shape of nose threw it a bit for me in the end. Overall I was hooked. Loved how you incorporated the months.
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Ah the shape of the nose...my imagination has weird details like that, and since that's where the vase is located, it all makes sense in the end lol. Although now that I'm rethinking it, it may be more the shape of his tongue...hm...
Thanks for commenting and I'm glad you liked it.
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