Static wells of electric
thorns pierce the cotyledon
of thier hearts;
Escalated voices (of tortured
souls infected with nihilism),
scream up to the heavens, "What
angels, where?"
They heave blistered hope
and gasp in sewer scented air
from the disgust of mankind.
Graceful wings of heaven never dare graze
the earth with its cleanliness of peace,
Fairytale mythology is losing its appeal
to over medicated children having defeatist mind sets.
Where are the guardians from the cosmos,
our angels from the air?
Megaphoning the calls of delegated despair
to the ones with authority; not one descend in
our neediest time of drugs, sex and sin.
Author notes
Option 1&7
For Poetic Challenge
10/26/07
Screen-name: Dark Whispers
Real Name: Skky
Age: 16
I hope to become a better poet and learn from my mistakes as a writer.
In a list
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LOOKING FOR NEW FAVORITES!!! by Auburn Sunrise.
600 points, ended March 25, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I am very proud of you for this write.
Let commend you on your self-awareness, awareness of your society, and incredible maturity for your age, as well as your extraordinary poetic abilities.
No doubt you will continue to do great things (not only as a poet, but in other respects as well).
Thank you for this wonderful entry.
I am adding you to my favorites, as I feel you are a poet to keep watch on. Your talent and style will grow and develop in many ways over the years, and I feel you will advance and mature to a timeless and celebrated writer. Keep working on it and I look forward to reading more from you!!!
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263
[out of 10]
originality: 8
creativity: 8
Catchy Title: 8
Transitions: 7
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 13
(Balance of) ideas: 13
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 18
Interesting opening: 20
Effective ending: 18
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 18
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 13
[out of 25]
Message: 23
Initial impact: 21
Final impact: 20
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 263
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Congratulations, you've made the cut.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
Apply for the group. Once you are accepted, you are officially a cast-member of Teen Idol 7.
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I'm not crazy about the rhyme at the end, it felt forced; however, this was profound. I am so happy that this entry was actually good...the last ones I've been getting recently haven't been...well up to my standard, lol. This is great though. Shows lots of potential.
Thank you for being so good!
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NIce job here! Now... let's see about a critique
I think that some places had me digging for a dictionary...lol, while other places I felt was lacking a bit in your ability. I actually like a complex piece, and appreciate any poet that can make the word "megaphoning" seem poetic.
I refuse to take off points for you stepping up your vocab... if anything that is grounds for a bonus, in my humble opinion
BUT... be careful when doing this, because it makes it seem choppy if you do not insert these "big" ol' words all the way through the poem.
My score for you is: 98.
Always,
Mel
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I found I really had to slow myself down to read this piece. It's a complex poem, and I think the average reader will miss a lot of the message here. It looks like you've done some editing since Bear and Ktulu were here. I have a few additional things I'd like to point out as well:
"delagated" (delegated)
"defest" - not sure what this was supposed to be..."defeatist" maybe? "deafest"?
"set's" (sets)
"the earth with it's(its) cleanliness of peace,"(period)[it's is a contraction for "it is"]
"Where are the gardians (guardians) from the cosmos,
our angels from the air."(question mark)
"not one descend(s) in
our most neediest time of drugs" (either "most needy" or "our neediest")
I think you could take the entire first stanza out and it would bring the focus of the poem to the readers attention much faster. If you're really fond of the stanza, perhaps make it the second one instead of the first.
"Heaving up blistered hope and
gasping in sewer scented air from
the disgust of mankind." I'd have liked to see this kept more in the present, with fewer "ing" words. For example,
"They heave blistered hope
and gasp in sewer scented air
from the disgust of mankind"
Be aware that more emphasis gets put on the last word in any line. So ending a line with "and" or "from" puts more focus on them, when words like "hope" and "air" are much more visual and emotion jarring.
Beyond that, I thought you did a fantastic job of developing your theme and idea. The title is brilliant, really. Easy to miss the meaning at first and think "from" should have been used instead of "for", but once I read the poem I knew exactly what you meant. I thought this a unique offering for the first round in the challenge, and wish you good luck.
Best wishes,
~J.
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thank you for pointing that out to me I have went in and fixed all the grammatical error, I'm not very good at finding them
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I love the changes. Don't forget to get the "s" back on "sets".
Thanks for taking my suggestions so well!
~J.
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WOW!
Being this is the first entry that I am reading for this round, and boy have I read it.
3 Times......
I have to agree with Bear on a couple things....
Inconsistant thoughts, really takes away from the power that "potentially" you have here.
Also,
I am a big fan of proper punctuation, so for me, this here,
While drugs and pill popping takes
the edge off the pain
The high of cloud nine dies down to a
cloud of a lower number
should have a comma after pain and The should not be capitalized.
That is just an example that I have pulled down to show you, as there are other parts that could use some "sprucing" up.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
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I have taken into mind all of your suggestions, and have edited my poem accordingly.
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I like what I see...great job
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What an amazing theme, so original and so profound. Your way with words was s compelling, what an excellent and imaginative poem you have here ~
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Not bad ~
Space between...*seen,ignoring*
First off.....I think some your common words....ie:
*land* like ambush bombs ~
....these threw me off, as your Flow was staggered and faulted quite a bit ~
I think if you had chosen different words to replace some
of these, your write woyuld have read sooo much better ~
I had to read this 4 times....sloooowly to grasp it, and
I am not a fan of having to read numerous times ~
Such a power word as *thorns*....should not have been
used twice...as it is a quick reminder of what I have
already read, and makes me think you are taking
a step backwards in thought ~
With only 98 words....and most of them, *filler words*....I felt
this write should have pulled from your Metaphoric
pocket and reallly given us...WOW!!!
However.....your Theme is great....your thoughts are
nice...but alittle on the cliche' side....your Title is a bit
confusing.....as I was wondering if you really
meant to say *from* instead of *for* ~
Your presentation of white font on a background
covered in whitish leaves was / is distracting to me...IMO ~
Puntcuation is Very important with your type of Format.....for instance..>>>
~~~ While drugs and pill(-)popping takes the edge off the pain, (comma)
the high of cloud nine dies down to a cloud of a lower number ~~~
This would have brought the two thoughts together and made
more sense....especially a better flow for your thoughts ~
~~~ Where are the angels.....ARE bull-horned?????? ~~~
Does not make sense to me
OK.....not bad....I really love your Theme here.....The only
things I am going to hit you on....is that Flow, and choice of grammar ~
Other than those two areas....well maybe three....the
inconsistent thoughts......I think you pulled out a very strong piece ~
Please do not edit until all Judges have reviewed this work :)
Good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
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I have taken into mind all of your suggestions, and have edited my poem accordingly.
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Looks good DW ~
Lovely job,
Bear ~
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I can't be much of a judge of free-verse poetry as I'm not that good in it myself.
But I'm going to try telling you my honest opinion.
this question with animated looks
The word "animated" very often brings an image of someone making a comical face - so that took a lot out of the poem's seriousness.
Guardians of pure, never seen,ignoring
the pleas, screaming voice of the desperate.
What caring being dessert the hearts of thorns.
This stanza is a good one, yes. But the sentence structure of it makes me stop and think, what?
The rest of the poem I liked .. and the very last stanza is a perfect end for this write.
As before, it's all my opinion...
Never ♥
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Thanks, I was a little skepticof that stanza too, again thanks
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Must applaud it twice it's that good check out my newest called Insanity Walk it's on the newest list or first on my page adding you to m y favourites
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Not often have I been inspired by a younger writer but this is one exception this poem is phoemnominal very darkly beatuful
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