Old
paper
tumbles down
narrow rough road.
Wind gusts sweep leaves clean
'cross streets, through empty yards.
Neighbours search for signs of snow;
sweet pansies bloom with smiling face
while most flowers long wilted and gone
but flurries forecast soon will wipe off grins.
Vacant branches rub against worn red roof.
Spooky noises spread across the house
as ghost-like lights shed rays inside.
Kids get dressed in special masks
for tricks or treats they ask.
Halloween soon here
to frighten all,
get candy
and yell
BOO.
Author notes
POD
Theme of October happenings
double etheree, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 syllables, kind of in shape of a leaf
A contest entry
- Poem of the Day ( 24 Hour Quickie ) by Arkbear.
500 points, ended October 27, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I see why this won a trophy. I think I would have found this style SO difficult. Good work!
-
I love the etheree form, and I thought you did very well with this. I am wondering if it was edited after Bear reviewed it? I did not come up with an incorrect syllable count, so I'm curious. (We do ask no editing is done once judging has begun.)
This is so appropriate for this time of year, and the imagery is outstanding. I could picture everything very clearly. The line "for tricks or treats they ask." is inverted...I would rather see "they ask for tricks or treats" As is, it reminds me of a forced rhyme, and since this piece doesn't require rhyme it seemed even more awkward. But that's just me.
Nice title, and you kept the shape itself beautifully. I have not often seen formed poetry do well in the PO contests, but I believe this has good possibilities. 
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
-
Yes....
.....this has been edited by my dear Niece Erika ~
Bear ~
-
-
Hi Erika!
First....nice D Etheree ~
I think you are missing your first ( 8 ) syllable line....you went from ( 7) to ( 9 )
Yes....and then you have another ( 9 )...OY!
hehe
Other than that....perfect count everywhere else ~
Loved the Theme, as this time of year calls for it!
Your aesthetic appeal is almost flawless.....I sorta wish this had
been in color, but you did well without breaking the Rules ~
Not too much to critique on this....as though, it did take me two
reads to get a better flow....but considering it is *Formed* poetry,
I can relate to the severity of restrictions and flow ~
Lots of imagery....emotions....vividness.....love the pansy tale.....as an Ex-Live Nursery Specialists for LOWES, I can totally relate......I have never seen a hardier anual bedding plant take on sooo much abuse from mother nature....I've have had ice stroms cover them up in Arkansas....but when it thawed, there they were....smiling right back ay me.....but give'me too much water....and BAM...dead :(
The storyline is superb, as each line reminds me sooo much
of that special night for goblins and witches.....and my kids candy!
Not bad Erika....I wish the best for you and your entry ~
Brother Bear ~
Title 9.7
Flow 9.8
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.8
Presentation 9.9
Uncommonness 9.4
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.2
-
Really cute piece! I like how the tone changes slightly from start to finish as the seasons progress from fall toward winter. I particularly like the idea of the forecast wiping those smiles off the pansies' faces! heehee. This is very fun to read! Good luck in the contest!
Sheryl
-
ah yes, the weather is turning colder, the days shorten and soon kids will be costumed up and making their rounds. A very enjoyable read. I like the form. Well done.
Rory
-
Beautifully done.
Best of luck in the contest!
*PEACE*
-
Fabtastic!!
This is an enchanting poem, I like the form as well. You have described October extremely well, best of luck in the contest! -
Lovely etherees..
Torn
paper
tumbles down
narrow rough road.
The introducing impact itself is great..All the best!
-
Great
This really is good, you always have something to offer, never quit writing, you paint a lovely image of fall in a rural setting, you're from Manitoba, right, so winter should be there soon.
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
