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Colour in my heart

Pale blossom;
scattered over blades thin and green,
Silk tears fall against bare tree branches. 

Delicate breeze blows within winds spirit,
harmony birds span widely over open blue skies.
Dancing lily pads float over calming cascades,
angelic choir awakening the spring.

Conflagration throughout  morning rise, long emerald
finger reach out. Spanning hands allowing shimmer of
morning sun. Mirror tears sprinkling, beam amber reflects
dew held within each tiny knew blossoming bud.

Author notes

Nature

poem of the day

or

PD

24 hour quicky

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • trista gold member
    October 26, 2007

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    I didn't comment on this right away because something in it bothered me, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was...I think Bear put his finger on it though with the imagery overload. I kept looking for a message, or a point to go with the lovely visuals, and there just wasn't enough of one.

    Last line..."knew" should be "new".

    My only other suggestion for this is to maybe consider playing with your line breaks a bit. Slowing this down, using breaks to pace it, would let much more of that imagery really sink in, IMO.

    Despite the critique, I really did enjoy this. It had the feel of a different flavor to me from many poems I've read, again something I couldn't pinpoint but liked very much.

    Thank you for your entry, and good luck,
    ~J.


  • Poetry and I Inc
    October 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This drips with great imagery dear daughter. Fantastic writes as usual. You never disappoint with your heart of nature. Love ya! -Inc."


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Nice ~

    Lots of imagery....but to pull off this feat, you must keep a balnce of *Show & Tell*....I felt there was too much Showing going on.....and you left the Topic hanging there without anything to support it ~

    I am a fan of vividness.....but sometimes it can be overdone just a weeee bit ~

    I would have liked to see this entry with more  UMMPH!

    You did well....but can I scream POD!!!??

    Let's see how it scored,

    good luck Poet,

    Bear ~

     

     

     

    Title   9.2

    Flow   9.2

    Depth   9.2

    Theme   9.4

    Feelings   8.8

    Grammar   9.1

    Presentation 9.5

    Uncommonness   9.1

    Sit & Ponder Affect   9.0

    Ability to follow Rules   10

    Bears Score:  92.5

    Not a bad score....but I think this could have been in the 95's ~

  • TooRainbow silver member
    October 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful imagery! You have a lot of movement going on in the visuals. This is restful and enjoyable to read!
    Good luck in the contest!
    Sheryl


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Lovely

    A beautiful poem, you have some great imagery here. Very enjoyable read, good luck in the contest!

1 - 5 of 5