Allow my eyes to go somewhere with you
that my words, in all their bounty
cannot.
Capture the scent of my allure
the lingering effect
entire
My words may only invite, you see
inspire, but not ignite
so incomplete
But through my eyes you will glimpse
the totality; the core
innermost
Dance with me, romance, explore
only know that in my eyes
lies
the door!
A contest entry
- Of truth, and Masks (PIF - Semi Quickie) by ParadoxFry.
700 points, ended October 27, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Thank you for entering my contest.
Grammatical issue:
“that my words, in all it's bounty
cannot”
Words is plural, it’s is singular, AND not the possessive form of its.
Would be more correct this way:
“that my words, in all their bounty
cannot”
Apart from that small issue, I really loved the first stanza. Beautiful image, it really spoke to me.
The second stanza is really awkward, and I don’t think I understand what it’s trying to say. Specifically, the last two lines.
“to the place I rarely disclose
barely.”
In the first line of the 3rd stanza, the ‘you see’ feels extraneous to me. You could remove it, and make the stanza more punchy.
Also in the 3rd stanza, a little disjointed in the last two lines:
“but they can't fully reveal
impossible.”
Do you mean that they can’t fully reveal THE impossible? In this case, the addition of the word ‘the’ which is often shunned in free-verse changes ‘impossible’ into a noun, which is what I think you mean here.
The fourth, and fifth stanzas, and their incidental rhyme also rub me the wrong way a bit. Also, the repetition of the word ‘more’ feels a little lazy to me.
You could avoid the incidental line end rhyme by removing the last carriage return, between more and abundantly.
In all, a good piece, with a few issues. I get the sense that this was written, but not edited, or proofed.
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Thank you
Well, if it's not too late, I tried to spruce this up a little, hope it's a touch better
lol
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Like the the improvements.
Still a couple of little issues:
"too shay"
too what?
And I'm not a huge fan of the word via in this context. Perhaps 'through' or another word might flow better? Via just feel like a word that shows up in bullet points on a memo at work... distrubs the beautiful piece in my mind. But again, just my opinion.
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ooooohh i wish we could dance,,i implore you dear pat
tango with me afore its to late
xxppg
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Thanks Peter
Peter, what color are your dancing shoes? I thought s
lol
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