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What Becomes of Us

  In such
  a time as this...

  our breath it breaks
  like broken reels,
  so real
  yet unforgiving.

  The days quick fade
  to daze,

  and time it takes
  our frittered cents,
  to leave us broke
  and senseless.

  Now we're poor
  and poured,
  still deeply,
  into lusty puddles
  to drown
  in parched madness;

 

  still thirsting
  for vanities
  that run like sewage
  through the veins
  of the vain.

 

  We've learned
  to sow to "self";

  though death will reign
  and rain, and
  rain
(where life won’t grow)
  once we're
  deceived enough to praise
  those beasts
  who live to prey on us.

  Still,
  in stubborn will,
  we'll dig through filth
  to find lost treasures,
  once so precious;

 

  yet we knew when we buried them

  that they would
  rust
  and so quickly
  fade away.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
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Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • raggyann
    June 15
    Edit | Reply
    i feel you are speaking on society
    and self i n this well written poem


  • Nam
    June 8
    Edit | Reply
    Good use of homonyms. A great poem that you have written here.

    -Nam
  • ecrivain01 silver member
    June 6
    Edit | Reply

    Before you say ...

    this is punctuated, the final stanza is not.
  • ecrivain01 silver member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply

    Good luck.


  • Nicomachus
    May 25

    Edit | Reply

    Good but....

    Your use of language is extremly talented, and your insight keen, but besides the plays on words it doesn't seem to be cohesive. Corollary in sense, but not in substance. Your direction flows like water through bent pipes: where in the end do we get? There is insight in your poem, but why are we thirsting for vanity in the first place, or are you referring to society in general? If I may also ask how these "lost treasures...fade away" and what is meant by them. Our souls? Conscious? Not to be a humbug, but with talent like yours it should be directed clearly. Orthodox thinking leads to good art in my sincere opinion. And you reserve the soul right to write me off, but if you don't defend the philosophy of art it will die off. I enjoy reading your work, and apologize for being, thus, opinionated, but I mean well.

    Gabriel

    • Thank you for your extensive comment, I am not offended by it. I am actually excited to be able to fully explain this piece for once. This piece is all centered around human nature. The first stanza is "That point" when we look in the mirror and feel years older than we are; realizing what precious time we had and waisted (That is written in the line about time taking our frittered cents) Humans are killing themselves with bad habits, yet they still crave the next big fix. They are filled with lust. Always lusting after something, even if it kills them. This is shown in these lines

      "deceived enough to praise
      those beasts
      who live to prey on us"

      In the end, those buried treasures are the years we waisted knowing we couldn't get them back.

      I hope that makes sense to you now. Thank you again

      Much Love
      Carrie

      • Nicomachus
        May 25
        Edit | Reply

        Unredeemed and Unredeemable??

        It makes sense, and what is more is I like it more now. The accessibility of it is somewhat vague, and lacking clarity, although in modern poetry that really doesn't stand in the way. The insight is fresh, and refreshing. Death does reign; what with all this technocratic staunching of man's nature. Subdue the will enough and it will retain the form you give it at last; when the last vestiges of human nature we have fade away. When technology can be used for such depraved causes and we still maintain we are civilized: the barbarians are indeed among us–cultural barbarians that is. You have a good eye for the maladies of modern culture as well. Materialistic pursuits, egoistic self-aggrandizing, following the banner of false messiahs, and in the end feeling the loss of our greatest gift. Now, perhaps you think I am nitpicking, but my first confusion was brought on by a certain vagueness in direction, whether it be by the somewhat introspective style, or maybe my misapprehension. Whatever the case I still think you are one of the most talented poets on the site, and I don't give that praise out so easily. Indeed, if the structure were clear this would be very good, and with its flaws is still good. Also, that pessimism about the current situation of man is too warranted for comfort. What gets me most is the willingness of man to walk into the jaws of the lion. "Distracted by distraction from distraction" we cannot seem to get our eyes off the television set to notice our house burning down. I just hope there is hope, although I may never be assured. If you'll excuse my somewhat wandering rambalings I want to thank you for your comment, and say that I am a fan.

        Gabriel
  • Love the double meanings you have throught this poem! very clever and creates strong emotions! very well written!

  • simpliciti
    May 16

    Edit | Reply

    Fantastic

    Wow! This is a really fantastic piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it and experiencing it. Your message reigns (rains) true...especially I enjoy the way you've used the variations of words (homonyms) in a specially talented way! Powerful and certainly a winner! All the best to you...

    . Rewarded 6

  • The message comes through so strongly with great wording

    I read it once in my head etc...then I had to go back and read aloud...So easy too, the words just flowing off my tongue.

    A well written important message of a poem here
    this standing out the most--
    we shall slowly drown
    while still parched and
    thirsting for vanities
    that run like sewage
    through the veins
    of the vain

    we've learned
    to sow to "self"


    Thanks for sharing

    Cindy

    . Rewarded 8


  • Lady Creme
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    At first the poem seems a bit choppy, but if said aloud the rhythm is quite steady and it has its own life to it. You portray your message quite well and yet makes the reader think. Very interesting.

    . Rewarded 4

  • The very first thing I thought of was the band Paramore. This poem has that frentic kind of energy. It's like going down stairs way too fast and never quite falling. The sixth stanza was my favorite, with its word play "veins of the vain". That line's fantastic, because it sounds like it shouldn't work, but you -make- it work. It's so quick you almost miss the dark undertones. Only the last stanza lingers long enough to leave a taste of bitter despair. This is energetic and creative. Good luck with the contest!

    . Rewarded 8

  • This was a very refreshing read. Your wording is phenomenal.

    yet we knew when we buried them
    that they would
    rust
    and so quickly
    fade away

    love love love the end. it feels so complete.

    Thanks for sharing this, it was terrific.
  • Wow !

    This is one of the best pieces I've read in a long time. It is so deep and real, it catches your breath.. leaving you breathless. Rich, rich - beautiful work. Take a bow poet.. you really made me think. Blessings. d

    . Rewarded 4

  • Nicely done, i liked the lines:

    and time it takes
    our frittered cents
    to leave us broke
    and senseless

    best of all.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Bean Sidhe gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    fantastic word play! I enjoyed the line:

    "we'll dig through filth
    to find lost treasures,"

    very nicely done!
  • while readng this, i was given many pictures in my head. it was very metaphorical, which i believe is ok at times. it reminded me very slightly of T.S. Elliot. Honestly, i'm more of a fan of modern poetry. Elliot seems to ramble a bit too much for my taste. however, you really showed me what you think of the world through this poem. best of luck and good write

    ~MRH~

  • captain howdy
    November 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    amazing imagery. I love the toying with words, you language master you!!!!


  • Pimpindelight gold member
    November 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderful penning indeed.
    I really like the imagery and flow
    Flowing well from begening to end.
    Thanks for sharing your talent
    Best of wishes to you

    Tony


  • lee-sharp
    October 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    79
    *clever devices

  • apoeticinjustice gold member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, your use of homophones is great, as they don't grate on the readers senses...sorry, couldn't resist...I really liked this piece. Well done.
    Rory

    . Rewarded 4

  • magneticblue
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A great piece of work...I loved the double meanings and plays on words you had throughout the whole thing, it is very well done. I also loved the idea behind it, its been something I was thinking about and this poem summed it up nicely but kept it simple and poetic...good write.

    . Rewarded 6


  • Live4FandFs silver member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very Thought Provoking

    This is a very good write that is very thought provoking... You've penned lifed as it is so brilliantly. Usage of simple words you have captured teh depths of darkest deepest sea - the life where we have buried our souls deep down and then dig through to find it in vain... It's easier to slide down the hill than climb up against all odds. This is what your poem tells me... it sounds a winner, still good luck in the contest... take care Minoo

    . Rewarded 8


  • StrangeAngel silver member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Such a great piece. A lot of word play, but not to the point where it got tacky, it flowed well. I am not sure what you are talking about here, but I like that kind of writing.

    The other day some guy told me I'm not a real poet because most of my work is too 'ambiguous' and 'personal'. Derhherr.

    Great job!!

    . Rewarded 6


  • Kappa
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    hmm

    unfortunately I have no clue what this is exactly speaking of, but it sounds like a good write, if flows, it's probably just beyond me, lol UNT

    . Rewarded 4


  • Jalalbad gold member
    October 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    this is what

    I call real poetry. Never rest your pen!
    Smile,
    Judy

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is an amazing piece.From the begining of life to the end it is a journey of many different paths some easier and some harder.Thank you for sharing this with me.Goodluck to you in the contest.Best wishes

    . Rewarded 4


  • Rose of Ireland gold member
    October 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A Masterpiece!!!

    Nothing else compares... Best of luck in this contest!!! Peace, Cyn

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