I was trying to hear the song
on the radio. He’d turned it
down to hear himself talk.
I wasn’t listening to him. I never
did anymore.
He steered us around the misshapen
roads, while I admired the view.
We use to love the Mother and
the Father. We were in love once.
Mother nurtured our bond;
Father gave us faith.
We lost both on the road some
miles back.
Each winding corner tossed
us back and forth. The journey was long.
I was getting motion sickness.
He was getting tired.
He turned the radio up.
It was our song. I didn’t even
recognise it.
Author notes
Complete fictional content.
Can be read on different levels.
Please leave your thoughts and criticisms.
In a list
A contest entry
- meh by Anonymous Shadow.
300 points, ended January 24, 2008, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
Ah...
nice piece of fiction. The Mother, Father figures is very very interesting ... Hmmmm
I must say the ending wasn't my favourite
-
bravo
Oops, apparently I've comment upon this poem before! Guess what? I still like it! A very sad, but all too common plight in this day and age...very well done here, no question! A fine lover's lament, striking just the perfect tone throughout, understated! Excellent! bravo... bravo... bravo... -
This is quite basically my parents. Very well penned with an good sense of vocabulary.
It's truly sad to watch this happening, I can only imagine what it feels like to actually experience this first hand.
♥
Bandaid
-
bravo
I don't really have a clue, but it is, overall, pretty neat and pretty nifty... bravo... bravo... bravo...
-
It hurts to read this, very clearly and strongly, but that would be the point I guess!
It makes me feel like I don't want to go back and read it a second time over (which I have) and that I shouldn't admire it (which I do). While that may sound negative, it just goes to show how well you've managed to affect me. This is an amazing write.
-
I think I'd hate to fall into that pattern in a relationship. i think just knowing that the love and feeling and connection was broken and dying, wilting slowly like a flower, would be enough to make me burst into tears just hearing or seeing any reminders of the once-was and have-beens.
Beautiful write. You were right, it wasn't anything like what I'm used to reading. And thank goodness for that. It's about time something different went on around here, lol =P
-
Wow. I hope I don't end up feeling like that with my love, but I know a lot of people do. Certainly expository of life in a new way. You are extremely mature and wise for your age, I would say, just by looking at your page and reading this. And you're really pretty, too.
-
-
I'm sure you won't, if you work at it and treat every day as the first you'll be fine.
-
-
Great piece!
I'm a little confused by the line breaks in the first stanza, though I can see on some level how they work. They just don't have the same organic feel that I am used to. I'm not sure I dislike it, but it seems odd to me.
You lost me a bit with the 'mother and father' references, but I'm often a bit put off by religious imagry.
I love the image of getting motion sickness on the 'long journey' of a relationship. It really is a fantastic description. Very vivid.
-
-
Just to clear your confusion, the first stanza is about what the characters are doing right now. I disconnected the lines because that's how they're feeling towards one another.
I know what you mean with the religious refference, but it was subtle I thought. The love of nature and God was the best way to emphasise how they once loved each other for me.
Thanks for the comment.
-
-
It is downright scary how many ways this can be taken from.
Either way, I love the line breaks and flow, I love the imagery, and I absolutely adore the ending.
Great job -
I like the tightness of these lines, very controlled, tugs emotionally at me, how love waxes and wanes like a car on a winding road. Does it need "Anymore" after "I never did" in the first stanza? Hmmm. very well done.
-
Oh yeah... here!
-
I like this poem a lot. I haven't found a lot of narrative writers here. Cool!
-
following him
I wasn’t listening to him. I never did....it is a lie you are always listening and following him
-
very good write here. i can say that i have been here. there was a guy and i just didnt care anymore. and i had to let it go he wouldnt let it go. some move on some dont good work here and keep it up
-
I think this describes some moments in most any long term relationship, what matters is if the people involved care enough to recognize it happening and do something to change it.
In this write it seems as though thses characters do not care or are too tired and bored to realize they haven't cared.
I think you did an excellent job, I really like it and I believe it probably has meaning for anyone who read it. Whether it be a romantic love or familial love.
GREAT JOB!
-
This certainly could be read many ways, at first it sounded like a marriage, but then I wondered, it could easily be a sibling bond broken over time. Any relationship fails without nourishment, or wobbles when the foundations, or anchors are removed. Common bonds fail when they are no longer what you have in common I guess. Great write, very thought provoking.
-
I liked this. It's a nice little story.
Confused by your author notes. Is there some hidden meaning here that I missed?
-
-
I don't know because you didn't say what it meant to you when you read it.
I just meant you could get several meanings from it depending on which level you choose to read it on. -
-
I took it literally. Two people that used to be in love and are not anymore. I was unsure about the meaning of the line: "We use to love Mother and
Father." -
-
Mother nature and God is our Father. It's just saying the used to love nature and have faith in religion when theyre were first in love. Now nothing is that important anymore.
-
-
-
-
I liked it.
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
