Sorrow streams from violated hearts
when dressed as betrayal's corset that crushes trust's ribcage
"I'm sorry" never heals the damage.
A contest entry
- Three Line Poems by Amy Meneses.
600 points, ended October 29, 2007, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Ok so round #3 of this contest. I am digging into whether or not I believe the poem needs more. In other words, does this poem stand alone wonderfully or does it need more; does it sound complete.
I love the sound of “sorrow streams” the alliteration usage here makes this read extra smooth. It is contrasted by “corset that crushes” which then gives a crashing contrast with the “c” sounds. Together this sounds like a stream in my head. Wonderful job here. “trust’s ribcage” is also wonderful. I loved the unique combinations of abtractions here. I would use something else other than “I’m sorry” as although it is great to add a voice in here I don’t think it needs it, it kind of throws off the language unity of everything else. That could just be my opinion though, good job here.
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oooooooooooo "betrayal's corset" nice
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Thank you so much for the kind comment
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WOW.... this just explodes on the page with the intensity of words you picked in such few lines... incredible write...
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Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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WoW! I can really relate to this poem right now. I like how you have written such a powerful, and relatable poem that strikes the reader's right in the heart. You have most definately penned a strong, emotional, and expressive poem here. I wish you the best of luck in your contest. I personally feel this is a winner!
~Midnight Lace -
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Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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I love the last line!
" I'm sorry" never dams the flood. -
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Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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How true! Sorry never stops the tears, nor helps the pain.... So why do we use it so often? This is one thing I have never been able to figure out. You said a lot in only three lines! Great job!
Best of luck in this contest!
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Thank you for the wonderful comment
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good
I especially like that last line.
Lotsa luck with it. -
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Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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The second line doesn't really clothe sorrow does it? Am I missing something. It seems to bring betrayal in the mix instead.
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Sorry for any confusion. I tried to reword. Hope it makes sene.
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