Thoughts through mind’s aperture,
cascading like snapshots
writhing, jerking, contorting,
dancing freeze-frame in strobing light,
ghouls of a shredded process;
and it’s the same images
over and over and over again,
like a frozen picture
on a broken VCR,
no matter how you force yourself otherwise.
The beautiful, twisting ballet,
soft focus smiles, mocking,
triumphant, oblivious to the demise;
logic, soul and sanity disassembles
painstakingly, slowly piece by piece;
and I do it to myself.
I bring these thoughts back,
forcing myself to see it again
over and fucking over and fucking over,
without end and without fail.
Quietly sighed messages whisper
to an ever discerning and receptive ear,
splinters of a box never pristine,
nail redundant hopes and dreams
dead to a wall without echoes;
and the pills are in my hand again,
how easy it would be,
for what have I really got?
What do I have to live for?
It would just be a release from burden for everyone....
So, why can’t you do it?
I lack courage....
That much has always been obvious.
Yet, there is something holding me back....
It would be the only thing you ever did right.
The three year old in the other room would say otherwise....
As you often say, “she deserves better”.
Look into her eyes just once. They say differently....
She’s not the only who’d be better off.
I used to agree, but I stared into those eyes too, and I saw the truth....
You sicken me, I am done with you.
Then at last we have mutual feelings,
for all the pain, for all the knowledge,
I know this battle will come again.
I know that if I chose to go,
I would be causing more grief than just my own,
even though I know I am crushed and worthless,
the eyes of others hold a love
that I can neither ever agree with, nor understand,
I cannot turn what I saw there
into an unrecoverable anguish.
There is nothing that can convince
that I am, or have ever done
one solitary thing of any value,
but it is worthwhile to withstand
so as not to miss witnessing
those few precious moments.
For that, I can stand once more
against my own hell,
for those that I love
and to piss off all those that hate:
I have a middle finger to share
for your hatred, thoughts and words
can not drag me lower than my own.
I will stand,
I will not fall;
for once, just once,
I think I may finally have done something right.
Author notes
A few notes for this piece, so please bare with me...
Firstly, the title: The "Suicidal Failure" part of the title I must give credit as it is actually a song title by Suicidal Tendencies and it is a song that has stuck with me since I first heard it.
Secondly, the layout: This piece isn't laid out as I intended. The indented parts are intended, but these parts were intended to also be in italics to make them stand out more, however, can't do that unless you are a gold member.
Now, onto the piece itself. The piece is part poem, part prose, part tale, part self-discussion/self-arguement, part message and all of it autobiographical and true. The thoughts, the words, the outcome and the message are all true and have happened more than once, I have always struggled with huge self-hatred problems and this mental and emotional situation has arisen many times over the course of my life and I'm sure it will no doubt arise again in the future. Yet I am still here. I can say no more about it than that.
Due to the nature of this piece, it is somewhat formless, or at least, it changes form in places. This is not through lazyness or failure to stick to form, it is intentional. The indented pieces are intended as answers and/or counter-arguements in my head to the visions, images, memories and thoughts that immediately preceded them, which are laid out here in standard format.
Anyway, other than that, the reader can take it and take from it whatever you can.
(Sorry for the long notes).
In a list
A contest entry
- Does Time Truly Heal A Broken Gun? by Acidanthra.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - tears, fears, and everything inbetween by nobodys-girl.
700 points, ended May 4, 2008, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me feel.. by perfectsunset.
625 points, ended May 17, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Wow, this one gripped my heart
from the beginning.. and even
more throughout. So many questions
one would ask themselves when
wanting to escape. The thoughts
are there--vivid.. but it's good to
have that voice inside your head
that reminds you there's much
more worth living for.. especially
the 3 year old in the other room..
Loved this piece.
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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i loved this
the part about the 3 year old broke my heart
thankyou so much for entering my contest and best of luck! -
i like
i think it was good but explain it more -
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Thank you very much.
Which part do you think needs eplanation?
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An excellent write
I am not really a poet as such regards different poetic forms. But the emotions and thoughts in this journey in your life was mind blowing and so intense and heart breaking, what a magnificent peice of work. I am so glad you thought of the ones who would grieve, your life is preciou in the eyes of God, and in the eyes of many people who may not know you personally. I am so very, very, glad that you are here to write and to become a part of our lives through your written work. Bravo! Bravo!
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Thank you very much. I am with you on that one, I am not much of a form style writer myself, usually doing freewrites or just my own style, but every now and then I dabble.
When we are feeling so low, it is hard to see that others care and would feel our loss, often all you can think is that they would be better off without you.
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This is amazing. Beautiful and sad. Nice job in the contest. I know this feeling. Ive had it before. Nice depiction of it!
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Thank you very much. It is very tough to be in that headspace and sometimes even tougher to get out of it. The last time it hit, it was probably the worst that it had been, and it had been a regular occurance over that three month period. I have no idea how I didn't, or how or why I managed (or someone else managed) to talk me down. The thing is, I had no idea how much things were going to change the very next day, and if I had gone ahead and done what I was on the verge of doing, what happened the next day would never have happened.
To think I nearly did it the night before my life completely changed and what I had hoped and wished for became a reality is a very strange and sobering thought.
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This poem's message is definitely loud and clear. There were many parts that rattled my cage. I do still have people in my life, though I may not love them, they may actually grieve. I know my 12 year old cat would grieve herself to death. She is all I have ever had. So maybe I am doing something right for once by forcing myself to stay alive.
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Thank you. The voice that in this piece is telling of all the ones in my life who love and would grieve is my own voice, however, when in the midst of events such as this, I can never, ever see it and it is other's who are telling me this. Even when I am a lot more calm and stable, there is no way I can understand why or how someone could feel that about me, but I can at least see that they mean it.....and that is enough...just enough.
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So beautifully written. Your poetry never stops amazing me.
From someone that's been there, hold on. You're not worthless nor unloved. And even though it seems impossible right now, you have a God that loves you no matter what. Great piece, I love it!
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Thank you. When you are in the middle of that mindset though, it is impossible to see anyone loving you, in fact, you see it as being better off for those who do, you are "making life better for them" by doing it.
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excellent poem good work this is my favorite part
For that, I can stand once more
Against my own hell
For those that I love
And to piss off all those that hate
I have a middle finger to share
For your hatred, thoughts and words
Can not drag me lower than my own -
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Thank you. Some of this is written on a memory of events that are quite recent, though thankfully I didn't go through with it.
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This is another of your better writes, why? Because it came from that place deep within you that so few ever get to see. I've been blessed with seeing that part of you so many times.
As for the content/message of this piece, by now, I'd hope you understand my thoughts on it. And you know, no matter what, I'll always be there. Always.
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Thank you very much. As I have said, I find these easier to write, though don't do them as often. As for understanding the message....meh, not so good at that, not when the chaos comes.
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You Deserve the Gold
a true story is always the best piece and i hank you for sharing your story with Cerebral and I am glad you are still here I too have tried one two many times and that Three year SHE NEEDS YOU FOR LIFE so no matter how you feel about you know she out weighs everyone else's thoughts this was wonderfully written and i like the style great job telling your tale!
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Thank you very much. It is neither easy to live with nor overcome, nor do I know how I'm managing it. As tough as it is, I always find pieces like this easier to write.
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